“Would the 'Real Me' please stand up?”
It was a beautiful bike ride this morning and although it was 20-something fucking degrees, the leftover snow from yesterday brought a quiet serenity to nature in only a way that snow can. The stillness washed over my soul as I took in the breathtaking scenery.
Jennifer said something to me the other day that I have been mulling around in my brain. “Just because you are good at something doesn’t mean you love it.”
Let me backtrack for a moment. I heard recently on Glennon Doyle’s podcast “We Can Do Hard Things”, Glennon was talking about how she dreads having people over to her house because she has to buzz around everywhere and take care of everyone constantly. Her sister Amanda explained it by saying that Glennon feels responsible for the energy and what’s happening with everyone in the room. I was walking the dog when I was listening to this podcast and I literally almost fell over in the grass. This is me 100%. Holy shit.
I grew up in a big family and was raised in a community. At one time the community reached over 300 people on 100 acres. Of course, at the time I didn’t know that I was being raised in a cult. Living in a mobile home with several other families, having no privacy, no autonomy, and loads of unhealthy brainwashing was normal to me. I didn’t know of life outside of that. Somewhere along the way, at a young age, I learned that people liked me if I made them happy and I entertained them. In a family of 9, you have to work hard for attention. On top of that, I am naturally just a goofy person and can’t be serious for too long. I enjoy joking, playing games, and finding new ways to have fun. In the cult, I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I would never be spiritual enough to please the leaders (which meant I was never enough for God either.) The only thing I seemed to succeed in was entertaining people. So I poured all my energy into being the funnest person to be around and I gave 110% of myself to anyone that came into my presence.
Sheesh. Just writing about it makes me tired. What you have to realize is that I was in the village (cult) for 26 years. That’s a long time to be buzzing around and being “all things for all people” especially since we lived in community and people were in my face every day.
But the problem didn’t end when I moved away. It had become a way of life for me. I thought it was a part of who I was. So I continued opening my house and my heart to the whole world and bending over backward for everyone and their brother. I continued to host lots of big events and exhaust myself giving everyone the experience of a lifetime.
It wasn’t till the last couple of years of putting up strict boundaries to protect my family that I have begun to realize how stressful it is for me to have people to my place. After a recent experience of hosting friends for a day, I finally had to do some serious shit digging into it all. I felt exhausted to the point of actually feeling like I had the flu. I hate to admit it, but I usually feel this way after I host people or put on an event. But this time I was like “What the hell? My body has been trying to tell me something and I’ve been ignoring it for a long time.” Of course, my first response is to beat myself up but since that never seems to help, I am trying to be kind and ask myself questions. “If this is truly a part of my DNA then why does it not feel good to me?” I have seriously come to dread it the past couple of years and I always have to psyche myself up beforehand. As if I’m going into battle. I know. If that’s not a sign I don’t know what is.
When Glennon talked about how much she hated it, I felt like suddenly my whole world made sense. That’s it. I feel responsible for all the energy in the room and making sure that everyone is having the time of their lives. Every single moment they are with me. But do you know what? I don’t like doing it. Besides being fucking exhausting, I hate the pressure of filling every second with fun and laughter and/or being held captive to others' unending talk about themselves and acting like it’s the most interesting thing in the world to me.
I have done this my whole life and unfortunately, this is what people have come to expect from me. It’s not their fault. I have trained them to love being with me. As a child, it was how I felt loved. If I could make people love being with me, then I felt like they actually loved me. But what it led to instead is everyone wanting to spend time with me because of how I made them feel. They had a great time being served, entertained, and valued every second, and I in turn was left empty, drained, and exhausted.
It’s taken me almost 40 years to learn that people loving to be “with” me isn’t the same as people loving just me. It sucks because I have spent so much energy on this way of life and believed it was a gift I was supposed to give the whole world no matter how much it sucked me dry.
The good news is, I am done. Done giving all of myself to others and putting myself, my needs, and my wants last. I think it is possible to host people and not give your whole self away, but I’m not there yet. I have a lot of “undoing” to do and I’m gonna need time and space to learn how to not take on the responsibility of others' happiness.
One thing is for sure though, I am incredibly grateful that I finally realized this about myself.
This brings me back to what Jennifer said, “Just because you are good at something doesn’t mean you love it.” Boom. I love this woman. She said those words and my brain did a flip-flop. So beautifully simple. And freeing. Yes, I am good at it. I’m fucking good at it. But I absolutely do NOT love it.
I am not going to live any more of my life killing myself in order for others to love being with me. So prepare yourself world. If I let you visit me, you might get bored. I’ll probably go for a walk with the dog at some point and leave you to entertain yourself. You won’t be staying for long either. Turns out my essential self has actual limits and really doesn’t want to be responsible to feed and entertain you for hours.
But I suppose that if you truly love me, this won’t bother you a bit. It’s hard for me to believe anyone would love me that much. Besides Nate and the kids, Jennifer and my sister are the only ones that I am comfortable to just be myself around and not feel like I have to entertain. I have a brother too that I haven’t been around in a long time and he is a lot like me. He feels responsible for making other people happy. I am pretty sure that if we get to hang out in the future it will be a huge relief for both of us to just “be ourselves” and not have pressure to be anything else. (“I love you brother. Just for you. You never have to make me happy. I love every part of you.”)
For the rest of the world, I will still be putting on events occasionally. But they won’t be free. My time and energy are valuable and I no longer live under the condemnation that I have to “serve” others. If you want fun, I can surely bring it. And in turn, you can bring your money. 🙂
If you have a takeaway today, I want it to be this: You should listen to your essential self. You should pay attention to what your body tells you. And then honor it. Don’t waste your life doing things that you don’t love to do, even if others love you doing it. You are valuable and perfect without performing for anyone.
I love you for you. Period.
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