“With Different Weather, Comes Different Opportunities.”
It was another rainy ride today. The “soak ya to your bone” kind of rain. But instead of being angry at the weather, I just suited up the best I could, stuffed a couple of towels in my backpack along with my regular gear, and headed out on my adventure. At least it wasn’t cold rain because that is just a miserable experience that nobody needs to go through. Trust me.
As I biked up and down the winding roads, snuggled in by dripping wet trees and lush green grass, I found myself feeling strangely happy. Before I knew it, a huge smile spread across my face and a song burst out of my mouth. And there I was; singing along with nature; filled with joy and gratitude. The rain enveloping me felt peaceful and grounding.
I no longer felt like I was biking “through” nature;
I “was” nature.
Immersed and connected to the beauty surrounding me, I remembered the words my oldest daughter had told me last week when I was frustrated with the rain; “With different weather comes different opportunities.” Wow. Just wow. I love this perspective. She’s so right. Sometimes I wonder how my kids are so wise. They constantly amaze me with how insightful they are. Today was an unexpected gift. A beautiful opportunity. I needed it. I needed to feel the rain pour over my body; to be right in the middle of it. I was fully alive; living in the moment and literally soaking it in. I felt like dry ground drinking up some “much-needed” moisture. I laughed, I whooped with glee, I sang, and I healed.
I feel free when I’m in nature. Uninhibited. Lately, life has been pretty challenging and this past week I have navigated some difficult conversations. And even though it can be so scary and painful, each hardship is an opportunity for me to heal. I’m not gonna lie; sometimes I’d rather run away than face it head-on. Sometimes it feels like too much. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I’ve gotten myself into. But I find myself continuing to choose growth; continuing to show up and continuing to embrace the woman I am discovering inside me.
She’s beautiful; this strange, unique, wild woman who craves freedom and autonomy. I am beginning to understand her better. Of course, she craves freedom. Of course, she panics when she feels restrained, limited, or controlled. She spent most of her life groveling in shame and submission to those who stole her freedom; beating herself down and believing the lies that she was worthless. But no more. She will never again allow anyone to silence her voice. She no longer ignores her body. She is learning to trust herself. She is brave. She is worthy. She is me.
Movement is crucial for me. When I am free to move my body, it reminds me that I am not stuck. Sometimes I feel paralyzed in situations and I can’t see a way out. It terrifies me. Like a wild animal being cornered. My eyes get wide; my heart races and I frantically start searching for an escape.
In the past, I would have surrendered and let others chain me back up. But I can no longer ignore the messages my body sends me. It says “Run. Now. And fast. Do whatever you have to do to get out of this trap. Whatever happens, your survival is of utmost importance. Do NOT surrender your willpower.”
It’s hard for me to not feel guilty about how my body needs to process things. It seems like it would be a whole lot less traumatic for my partners if I was more subdued and compliant. Except that’s not me. And it never will be me. And I’m sick of wishing I was wired differently.
Here’s what I am working really hard on right now in my life:
Embracing all of me; the way I’m wired; the things I need; the way I process and how I heal. I want to stop comparing myself to others and expecting myself to operate the way they do. It’s silly. Of course, I am not like anyone else. I can only be like me. And not only is that okay, but it’s also damn good.
It reminds me of an Andy Grammer song: “Damn it feels good to be me”. Some days I truly embody this song and other days I wonder if it really is good to be me. But the more I heal, and with each step I take, I continue to get closer to understanding and loving the woman I am. And that’s definitely a journey worth taking.
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