“Wisdom from a 10-year-old”
- freedomforthetaking
- Mar 24, 2023
- 3 min read
Yesterday, I found my eyes filling with tears as I recounted some earlier incidents.
At the doctor, they didn’t take me to a different room for my ingrown toenail so I had to awkwardly lean against the wall with no support behind me while the doctor dug my nail out as my foot hung off the end of the bench I sat on. I really wanted them to take me to a room so I could at least lie down for this harrowing experience… but I was too afraid to ask.
When I went to pick up my prescription I was in severe pain and asked at the drive-through if I could buy ibuprofen there. They said sure and they would give it with my med when it was ready for pick up in 20 minutes. But I needed it now. The pain was almost unbearable. However, I smiled weakly, said “Thank you” and drove away to wait; too scared to ask if I could have it immediately.
Sigh. As I drove away, instant anger at myself filled me. What the hell is wrong with me? Why is it so damn hard for me to ask for things for myself? I’d rather suffer immensely than be brave enough to believe that I deserve to be cared for. It’s so bizarre. If it had been my kids, my partners, or my close friends, I would have demanded the utmost care. But me? No, it’s fine. I don’t like to inconvenience anyone.
Why do I have that mindset? What are the messages that have made me feel like I should not stand up for myself?
It makes me feel like a total loser. The fact that I have changed so much in my life and have been trying so hard to speak my truth, have boundaries and use my voice, but yet in many situations, I still shrink and feel scared, unworthy, and dumb. It’s like I can literally feel myself slipping back into the old me.
My son made an observation that in the hospital I got really quiet, kept saying “Yes ma’am” to the nurse, and acted like a totally different person. As we discussed it, I realized that part of it stems from all the fears that were instilled in me about doctors being bad, and the other part is that I was taught that obedience and respect for others were of utmost importance and I should deny myself and my needs at every opportunity.
My youngest daughter was along with me when I went to pick up my meds and I was in immense pain. She saw my eyes fill with tears as I told her how frustrated I was with myself for not being braver. She spent the next few minutes trying to comfort me as I drove. I could see her little heart breaking for me. Then she said something that caught my attention. “Mommy. You need to remember how far you have come. You have worked really hard and changed a lot in the past couple of years. You are already a badass.” It was simple but powerful.
This is something that my kids do for me and it always leaves me with awe and gratitude. She’s right. It’s so easy for me to notice my weak areas but forget all the work I have done to grow stronger. I think it’s probably true for most of us. We make progress forward but constantly only see how far we still have to go.
My daughter helped me to stop my self-hatred and find a space to acknowledge the incredible person I am. Life is learning. We never get it perfected. Growth takes time, energy, and patience. I am not very patient with myself, but I really want to learn to be.
I hope you can find some love within yourself this week and take a moment to look at how far you have already come. You are amazing, brave, and beautiful. Don’t forget that.
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