"Wild Me = Wild Ride"
Yesterday I sat on my horse Zelle - for a whole freaking hour. I didn’t plan to do that. I actually went out there with some papers on a clipboard and a walking taco in my hand with the intention of doing a “self-coaching” session.
Self-coaching? Is that a thing? In my world it is and I highly recommend you try it. ;)
Anyway…
I ended up sitting on our fence rail, sharing my taco with Zelle. Afterward, she sided up to the fence and I gave her a good back scratch. Before I knew it, my youthful self took charge and slid me onto Zelle’s bare back. A smile instantly spread across my face. Zelle peered her head around as if to ask, “What now?”
The weather was heavenly—a 75-degree sunny day with a slight breeze. Zelle stood there for a few minutes not knowing what I was up to. Then she sighed out a deep breath and walked off to graze. Thankful that she wasn’t bothered by my presence on her back, I got to come along for the ride.
What was going to be a few fun minutes to be risky and sit on my horse without a saddle or any way of controlling her, turned into an hour of bliss. Zelle meandered around the 3-acre pasture in search of the juiciest blades of grass as I drank in the peaceful opportunity to just “be”. I was lost in the moment - free to let my mind wander - honored that Zelle allowed me a prime spot on her back. The other horses grazed calmly nearby, graciously accepting me as a part of their herd. My “planned coaching session” turned into an unexpected healing time. It was as if the whole world stopped and all that mattered was watching Zelle eat grass. I could feel the sun finding its way through my skin down to my very soul. The longer I stayed, the less I cared about. The worries and weight began to fall away. I didn’t want it to end.
But as all things do, it came to an end; kind of abruptly. One of my other horses, Skye, spotted my clipboard by the barn with the papers flapping in the wind. Noisey white paper is one of the biggest culprits when it comes to objects that spook horses. Uh. Oh.
It didn’t take but a minute for all the other horses to notice Skye snorting and trotting around nervously. Because Skye is a herd leader, the rest of the horses felt compelled to go join the commotion. My 41-year-old brain with extensive horse experience said it was time to bail before I got stuck in the middle of trouble. My 14-year-old risk-taking brain begged me to ride along and see where this adventure would take us. The adrenaline now surging through my body as Zelle picked up her pace felt addictive. Part of me was scared as shit, the other part felt alive and wild. I argued with the 14-year old but she had made up her mind. We were staying.
Let me quickly insert that Zelle is a Kentucky Mountain Horse. She is at least 15 hands high. She is 5 years old. She is barely trained. She is also at the bottom of the pecking order so she aligns her nervous system with the other horse’s nervous systems. If they are scared, she is scared. She’s a follower by nature; which can make her unpredictable. I have never sat on her like this for more than a minute or two. In fact, the only horse I have ever trusted this much was my lifelong best friend Shiloh whom I had for 25 years. In terms of smart horsemanship, this wasn’t my best decision. But today I didn’t feel like being smart. Today I needed to feel risky. I needed to reconnect with myself. And what better way to truly be in your body than balancing on a young, uncontrollable horse who is now spooked and ready to flee to god knows where? At this point, I was strongly doubting my judgment. “Abigail, I think you have lost your mind - and if you don’t get off now, you may lose more than that.” However, no voice of reason could reach the wild child inside. This girl was sitting it out.
The horses trotted back and forth trying to decide how scared they should be and I sat there trying to keep the growing panic in my body from affecting Zelle. I’m not sure how much I succeeded because very quickly my only concern became trying to stay on. Gratefully, my lifetime of riding experience took charge and my brain took a back seat. Next thing I knew all the horses were surging together across the field, only to abruptly stop. Zelle’s head flew down and she whirled around. This was my cue. With no time to plan, my instincts saved the day with an emergency dismount. I landed square on my feet. Shit. That was a close one.
I thought Zelle was starting to buck but as I looked around I realized that she had gotten trapped between the two lead mares which forced Zelle to stop quickly. As soon as she saw I had jumped off, she walked right over and sided up to me as if to say, “Whoops! I think I lost ya!” I breathed a sigh of relief that I was still alive and uninjured as I gave Zelle a good back scratch. It was time to be done.
I learned a lot of things that day - but two of them are forever etched in my memory.
Life is not an emergency. It’s a gift to enjoy - but we have to choose to enjoy it instead of choosing to be stressed about it
If I want to live life to its fullest and truly feel alive, I have to take risks. Yes, it’s good to be wise, but it’s equally good to continue to feed the wild part inside me. I need that part. I need that crazy 14-year-old who is willing to hold on and just see where life takes her.
I took a chance on Zelle and she came through. It was the start of a much-needed bond between us. Since Shiloh died I haven’t felt much desire to spend time with my other horses. I have felt lost. This session felt like a wire inside me got reconnected.
Sometimes healing looks like talking to a therapist about the hard shit of your childhood - and sometimes it looks like riding bareback on an inexperienced horse. There is no rulebook for life and no way to plan out your healing. We all need different things. We all need permission to take whatever path feels right to us.
Whether you play it safe or take up bronc riding, I will always be on your team. Life can be so confusing and healing can be so painful. Go easy on yourself. The fact that you continue to show up in the arena every day is goddamn amazing.
One last thing: Do yourself a favor and ask your younger, wild self what it would like to do today. Yes, it might scare the hell out of you but you also might find a big smile on your face. If we want life to be worth living, then we have to be willing to live it.
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