Why Not Me?
Happy New Year my friends!
My girls still have a few days of Christmas break so today I brought them with me. We stopped for some delicious coffee and then came to a library so I could blog and my daughters could go book hunting to their heart’s delight.
One of my many favorite things about my kids is their insatiable love for reading. They absolutely love to read. They read all kinds of books: Fantasies, fiction, nonfiction, autobiographies, “How To” books, science, animals, mysteries; you name it - they read it. To my kids, the library is a portal to unlimited possibilities, bubbling delight, and endless learning. It’s their version of Disney World. I fucking love it.
I wish I loved reading. I really would like to be one of those people who read every day and consume books like a delicious bowl of ice cream.
But - it’s extremely hard for me to sit for an extended time. On some days, it’s hard for me to sit down at all. My never-ending To-Do List drives me pretty hard. Taking a break feels lazy and irresponsible. I hate feeling lazy. It feels selfish.
We all grow up differently. Our childhood shapes us into the adults we become. Our mindsets start at a tender age before we can even comprehend the beliefs that are being instilled into our little bodies. The things we learn, the tools we gain, and the knowledge we absorb, all come from somewhere - our environment. It’s tempting to believe that once we are adults we have our own minds, but unfortunately it takes a hell of a lot more than just turning 21 to truly begin the process of creating our own opinions and beliefs.
The environment I grew up in was very controlled and extremely religious, leaving little room for curiosity, confidence, or self-trust. Instead, it was all about obedience, discipline, and self-sacrifice. I learned just to say, “Yes ma’am”.
Questioning was out of the question.
The fear of messing up was overbearing. I gave 110%, 110% of the time, hoping to please the jealous, illusive, god-figure up in the clouds. It was exhausting.
No wonder I am terrified of being lazy.
Even though I no longer believe in the god I was raised to worship, I still have many of my old beliefs stuck in my brain. I don’t like them, and I don’t want them, but getting them out takes more than that.
Which brings me to today. It is January 2nd, 2025, and I am writing this blog post. Day two of a new year. I decided to take some time before I started blogging to do some journaling about what I want to do differently this year. I have some negative, unhelpful beliefs still embedded in my mind that I am ready to get rid of. In order for me to permanently get these toxic messages out of my mind, I need to have new messages to take their place. Excavate the old - Plant the new. However, gardeners don’t just plant. There is a lot of diligence, nurturing, and continuous weeding that goes into helping plants take root. I know the process is slow, frustrating, and will most likely be riddled with setbacks.
This isn’t my first rodeo. I have been working to change my brain for the past 6 years. I am proud of the changes I have implemented in my life. I am a whole different person than the one I used to be. But still, I have more work to do. As long as I am alive, I will be striving to be a truer version of myself. I will be a work in progress till the day I die - and I am finally okay with this. Anyway, it’s the adventure that’s the fun part! “Arriving” doesn’t leave any more room for exploration - and I love exploring.
So…this is my 2025 promise to myself.
No more scarcity mindset. No more believing that we will always struggle financially. I’m tired of never feeling capable, worthy, or smart enough. I have spent way too much of my life being my worst critic.
I choose abundance. I am capable, worthy, successful, brave, smart, creative, curious, hard-working, and powerful. There is no reason why it cannot be me.
I will stop doubting.
No more wondering if I will ever get to have the desires of my heart.
This year I will ask, “Why not me?”
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