Unhealthy Parenting Habits (And why it’s so hard for me to let go of them.)
Okay. Deep breath. This blog is gonna take some guts. I just finished listening to Glennon Doyle’s “We Can Do Hard Things”, 2 recent episodes where she talks with Dr. Becky Kennedy about attachment styles and Internal Family Systems. I won’t go into all the details because you should just head over and go listen to those 2 podcasts for yourself. It’s damn good stuff.
Today I have something I need to ask myself. I’m nervous to even think about having this conversation with myself because it’s connected to my mom and the way I was raised. Hard stuff. But I’m not a quitter. So here it is: “Why do I have such a hard time changing my parenting style from being strict and disciplined to allowing my kids to feel, explore and have a voice?” I know that my old way is unhealthy and does not lend to raising the kind of adults I want to raise. I don’t want my kids to conform to whatever our society tells them they have to conform to. I want them to be brave enough to fuck all the limitations, pursue their dreams, love themselves, and show up in authentic confidence. I am passionate about raising my kids differently than I was raised, but somehow I continually find myself falling back into my old patterns or just constantly wishing I could take the damn reins back and right this ship.
There it is. Control. It feels as if I have lost control. Control of my kids and their behaviors. Control of the house. Control of the schedule. My world feels out of control, and it’s fucking with me. Why can’t I just let go? Why does it feel so scary?
It all boils down to this. My mom was a very disciplined woman. She raised us on a very tight schedule. She had 9 kids and she ran the house like a well-oiled machine. We all learned to be very responsible, capable humans. Besides being very disciplined, we also learned to be very obedient. Obedience wasn’t next to godliness. It WAS godliness. People used to say that my mom should have army boots. They were right too. I’m pretty sure my mom could have easily qualified as a drill sergeant. As a child, I lived in fear of my mom. All the time. If we did the slightest thing wrong, it was a good ol’ fashion spanking. If you can call that good. She wasn’t a wimp. She meant business and you didn’t dare cross her. Only one time as an 18-year-old, I dared to talk back to her and she instantly slapped my face. I was horrified and shocked. I turned and ran out of the RV and far away into the forest where I felt safe to feel my feelings. I stayed there for a while and cried. I felt so devalued. The worse part of this story though is eventually I went back and repented in tears to my mom for being disrespectful. Of course, she forgave me. I never talked back again.
Now I look back on that moment and my emotions quickly rise to the surface. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel angry. Why was everything always my fault? Why was I never allowed to speak my mind and express myself? For whatever reason, my mother felt strongly that it was most important to teach her kids discipline and obedience. I will never understand why she chose that but chances are at the time she thought she was doing all of us a favor. To her, it was love. I remember her telling me that she disciplined us because she loved us. She had bible verses written in permanent marker all over her homemade, wooden spanking paddle. That thing packed a punch and I guess it was also supposed to beat the “Word of God” into us. She would literally tell me that people that didn’t spank their kids, didn’t love them. I quickly learned to judge kids that were acting “unruly” as bad kids that had unloving parents. Good god.
Now I understand. I understand why it’s hard for me to let go of control. As a child, I believed my mom’s extreme control was how she loved us. And in all honesty, I think she truly was trying to love us by doing all those things. She didn’t have the information and awareness to ask herself why she needed so much control and why those things equaled love for her.
That is not the mom I want to be for my kids. I did grow up to be a responsible human being but I also grew up to be VERY obedient to everyone and anyone. My childhood taught me very well to sit down and shut up. I learned to be one of the most obedient humans on the planet and constantly searched for how I could be whatever anyone needed me to be. I never stopped to ask what I needed from myself. Finally, at almost 40, I am learning to use my voice and stop bowing to the whole world as if they know better for me than I know for myself. It feels good.
This is what I want for my kids. Except I want them to have it now. I have worked really hard to change the way I parent but I still often find stress building inside me. I am realizing it’s the struggle to let go of control. It feels like letting go of love. It feels like loss. Holy shit this makes so much sense. Deep breath. This understanding of my struggle brings a wave of tears. But it also brings healing. Of course, this is hard for me. It’s been hard-wired into my DNA.
Today, I choose to love and acknowledge that part inside me that is scared to let go. I know this part has had my best intention in mind but I no longer need it to be in charge. I have found a better way forward to love my children. So to the diligent little part that has protected me in my childhood, I thank you. You can have a seat now. I have grown up and I am learning what real love means. I know there will be times that you feel panicked and want so badly to take control but I know over time, you will see that you can trust me. This new way is better for all of us.
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