Unfair Suffering
Sidenote Reader: Since this blog was written, Jenna has seen the doctor and we are finding some relief and solutions. I’m SUPER thankful that Jenna is improving and hope is on the horizon.
Jenna has been having a lot of reflux lately. We think it’s due to her changing up her meds. Her body is going through a detox. She is miserable. She went from hardly sleeping at night to feeling nauseous all the time accompanied by a consistent headache. I hate it for her. I hate seeing her suffering over on the couch and I can’t do anything to make her feel better. Cooking her my yummy, healing food doesn’t help. Giving her herbs doesn’t help. Hot tea hurts her throat. Even a glass of water makes her feel worse. So when I can take a few moments, I just hold her in my arms. She says it helps but inside I am painfully aware that other than comfort her, I can only watch her suffer.
Truth be known, I am scared. I am scared of losing my Jennifer. The humorous, sassy, beautiful, adventurous, bright-eyed darling that I fell in love with. Right now, she is only a shell of that person. She stares off into space; she cries almost anytime I ask her how she feels; she seems frail, small, and defeated. It hurts my heart so fucking bad.
It’s hard to watch someone you love with every fiber in your being, suffer. What is even harder is not knowing where the end is. It has been a couple of weeks and I am getting scared that this is the new version of my girl. I can’t. I won’t. There must be something we can do. There must be something that I can do. Must I just sit and watch her languish? Goddamn meds. I hate all of this.
The truth is, it’s uncomfortable. It’s frustrating. The unknown. The things out of my control. Part of me wants to cover my ears and eyes and run in the other direction. I suck at being able to watch suffering for very long.
What is that all about? I don’t know but I find myself trying to hold back tears. I sit here in the coffee shop, across from two ladies having a conversation and amidst many others scattered nearby, all busy doing their “coffee shop things”. I have my headphones on as I blog. I am holding my tears at bay - too many people here. But I am sad. Deeply sad for my woman. It feels like loss to me. Maybe all the fear is because I have lost so many people that I loved and I fucking cannot stand the thought of watching my gregarious, wild cheetah become an empty shell. I have survived some serious heartbreaks, but this, this I cannot bear.
Why does life have to suck so bad sometimes? Why does my beautiful woman have to deal with this nearly unbearable situation of finding the right meds? She never deserved to have scoliosis. She should not have had to endure a spinal fusion at age 14. Her whole life changed. She has lived with this fusion for 36 years and has done her very best to manage a new way of life, including new meds to help her body adjust. Jennifer is one of the strongest women I know. She could have curled up in a ball and given up. She could have gone into depression. She could have spent the rest of her life angry at her situation and feeling sorry for herself. But she didn’t and she still refuses to focus on the unfairness of it all.
Jenna’s daily choice to make the best of it constantly inspires me. In the past year, she has even tackled the challenge of starting to run, which is a huge feat since her vertebra doesn’t have the bend and cushioning one needs to have for running. She has found a way to do yoga and now she even lifts weights with me twice a week! Fuck! There is no excuse for the rest of us whiners! 😉
I will never understand why some people have to endure terrible pain, physical, emotional, or mental. Watching my people, the ones who hold my heart, go through hardship and pain, just about kills me. I wish I could take it all away for them, but that’s not how life works. Being a mom and watching my kids grow and go through difficulties has been agonizing. I suppose that is part of what forces us to grow and become who we are. Flowers don’t just appear. They have to grow through a lot of hard soil and rocks to even make it above ground. None of us get through life the easy way.
And though I know all this is true and even needed sometimes to help us grow, I still don’t like it. I never will like it. It sucks.
Today, I am allowing myself to feel frustrated; to feel sad; to feel angry at the hand that life dealt my dearest Jennifer. I know she will get through it and eventually, we will figure this thing out but in the meantime, I don’t have to pretend I am okay. Jennifer doesn’t need me to be strong. She just needs me to be here with her as she works toward healing. I won’t run away and hide from her pain but I do need to give myself permission to feel.
I love her. I always will. I want to make it to the other side of this.
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