“The Shit Reality That Keeps Breaking My Heart”
This morning, I cycled past a homeless lady on my way to a coffee shop. I noticed her slowly pushing a grocery cart down the side of the road. Her tattered clothes were barely clinging to her frail body. Malnourished and cold-looking, she stopped to take a drink from an old sports bottle. “Good morning!” I called out as I rode by. Our eyes locked. Though she did her best to force a kind smile, I noticed how sunken and sad her eyes were. It was clear life had not gone the way she planned. The look of defeat and despair lay heavy on her worn face.
My heart broke.
Before I knew it, the moment was over. My bike picked up speed downhill.
The lady was gone.
But my mind was stuck—stuck with the picture of that precious woman wasting away on the side of the road.
Yesterday, I was substituting at a high school when one of the students got a phone call to leave my class and go to another room. She was a quiet teenager sitting in the back corner - hidden behind her hoodie. I had been busy trying to manage the rambunctious students, so I had not talked to her yet.
One of the students whispered that it was Burrell Health. I knew that Burrell Health helps with counseling services. When the girl left the room I noticed that she looked embarrassed.
She came back after a few minutes before class finished. As the students headed to their next class, I went over and asked if she was able to find the room that had called for her. She nodded yes and I followed up with, “How are you doing? Are you okay?” She looked at me and then for some unknown reason, she opened right up and said, “My dad died two weeks ago. It’s been a lot of change.”
My stomach dropped. Shit.
I’m sure she could see the shock on my face. “Oh my god. I am so sorry," I quickly responded. “Of course, it’s a lot of change. That is horrible. I am so sorry.”
“My mom just yells at me all day. She hates me. I come to school to get away from her.” she quietly replied.
This story just kept getting worse. I could see the desperation in her eyes.
“That is not okay. Oh my goodness. That’s horrible.” I kept saying. “Is there anything that I can do?”
“I am going to talk to the school counselor today.” She responded with a hint of relief.
“Okay, that’s good. Well, if you need anything at all, I will be in this classroom all day.”
A small smile came on her face and she thanked me.
The bell rang.
She was gone.
The fleeting moment was over. But the experience was forever etched into my memory. It left an ache. I wanted to do more. I wanted to take her home, away from her angry mother, away from the painful memories, away from the life that was crushing her soul.
This morning, my brief encounter with the homeless lady brought up the exact feelings of frustration inside my body from yesterday. I can’t stand to see people suffer and not know what to do about it. I know there is no easy answer and it’s not a good idea for me to bring home every hurting person I encounter, but damn, it still makes my heart physically ache.
I don’t know if I will ever find a way to help each person and fix all their pain instantly. (Well now that I just typed that out I realized how ridiculous it is for me to think I should try and “fix” a situation.) Life is messy, complicated, and complex. Also, no one asked me to be their savior. It’s not my business to solve other’s pain but maybe showing them value and letting them know I am here for them is enough.
It doesn’t feel like enough.
Should I have stopped and given the homeless lady the banana in my backpack?
Should I have noticed and checked on that student earlier in class?
The truth is, I don’t know. I decided to blog about it today as a way to help me process the grief and confusion I feel.
I wonder if those two people know that I didn’t forget them.
I hope they felt genuine care from me. I hope, in that moment, they felt seen and valued.
I suppose I will never know. What I do know, is that I refuse to push those brief encounters out of my mind. Yes, it is uncomfortable asking myself to sit with the reality of what some people’s lives are like - I also feel it’s important.
It gives me perspective and reminds me to look for opportunities to connect with people - even if it’s just for a moment.
What about you? What do you do when you run into situations like this? I’d love to hear from you. I am always open to learning new ways to navigate difficult situations.
Shoot me an email at zebracoach@freedomforthetaking.org if you are so inclined to. ;)
I think that’s all for today folks. I gonna head to a pizza date with my Boo! Pizza fixes everything, right?
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