The Run That Tried To Kill Me
I didn’t know.
I didn’t know it was going to hurt me.
I’ve been in the sun my whole life. Worked, played, and exercised in it. Sure I get hot, but I have felt unbeatable.
Turns out I have limits.
All of the worse combinations teamed up and took me down.
Now I sit here typing, head aching, body depleted and weak, trying to wrap my head around the 2.63-mile run yesterday that ended with severe heat exhaustion. The temperature was 100 degrees with a 114 heat index.
Now before you go to shaking your head and judging me, let me explain. I never do my runs in the middle of the day, but I have an upcoming triathlon and it will be smack dab at 4 pm. I absolutely hate running anytime except early mornings so I decided that I needed to start getting used to doing afternoon runs so that I will be prepared for my triathlon that is in less than a month. (This was the logic behind my 25-minute run down the road that immediately put me in bed for 5 days. Hindsight is 20/20.)
Honestly, I think I would have made it okay if there had been a constant breeze. Running down the road, I had one, but the problem came as soon as I turned around to head home. Suddenly, there was no breeze. The heat radiated off the rocky road and I felt like I was in the world’s hottest oven. Fear instantly filled me as I broke out dripping sweat all over my body. Shit. Over a mile from home, I was by myself and with no water. I kept running with one intention: Make it home alive.
I was scared. I have been out in the heat my whole life and done many things and gotten really worn out, but this was different. I could feel it. Dangerous. How could I be so stupid? I fought back all the negative thoughts and just kept reminding myself that I was strong and was going to make it home. The day before, I had biked hard for 10 miles in the heat and been okay, so I was confused about why this felt so much worse.
I finished my 25-minute run. My daughters came to my aid with coconut water and a cold hose-down. I thought that would do the trick but after I turned off the hose my whole body suddenly felt weird. I got lightheaded, dizzy, and confused. It felt like all the blood left my body.
Long story short, I ended up laying on the ground in my house for 30 minutes while my girls did all the care for heat exhaustion as Nate coached them over the phone. Eventually, I started regaining some strength but for the rest of the night, I had to be on bed rest. My plan to go workout and swim got canceled. I had to accept the truth of the situation: I overdid it majorly and it could take up to a week for my body to recover.
I got up at 5:30 am so I could bike into town early this morning and beat the heat. I drug myself out of bed and went into the bathroom only to realize that I had a huge headache and an earache. All my limbs felt completely drained of all energy. I felt worse than I had when I went to bed. I looked up the information on recovering from heat exhaustion and realized that it would be very unwise of me to ask my body to work for me instead of allowing it to recover. In the past, I would have tried it anyways, but I am finally learning how to truly love my body.
Honest to god, or whomever you want me to be honest to, I wasn’t trying to be stupid yesterday. In all my craziness, I have never flirted with danger like that and I really wasn’t meaning to. I didn’t even want to run midday. It was only because I thought I should start preparing for my midday race (which, by the way, irritates me because I have never seen anyone schedule a race for midday when it's hot).
It’s hard for me to not be angry at myself. I really am trying so hard to love myself and care for myself better. It feels like going backward. I write about this today because I am struggling and feeling so stupid about it. I am tempted to beat the crap out of myself.
Here are the truths that I am choosing to acknowledge instead of allowing myself to go into self-sabotage mode:
I wasn’t trying to prove anything; simply trying to train.
I don’t enjoy putting my body in danger.
I have never had trouble with the heat like that so I didn’t have a reason to feel concerned about the idea of running in it.
If there had been a nice breeze for the whole run I truly believe I would have been okay.
I had no clue that when I turned around, it would feel like an oven.
I am continually striving to honor my body better.
I am not a loser.
I am not an idiot.
I am a learner. We don’t know what we know until we know it.
I sit here and breathe a little easier as I read over my list. This is all an important part of my journey to heal and love myself. I have spent way too much energy beating myself up the last 40 years of my life. I want to be done with that.
Yes, I still get frustrated with myself. I still do stupid things even when I am not meaning to. I make bad choices. I push myself too far. I get hurt. But what I will no longer do, is hate myself for my mistakes. It’s just not worth it. The disgust and hate that fills me is so much more damaging to my body. It hurts so much more.
I’m sure I still have many hard lessons to learn. But I refuse to hate the woman -- the audacious, hard-working, determined, wild woman inside me that loves a good challenge and loves living life to its fullest. She is amazing. She is worth celebrating. Always. Even when she chooses to do things that nobody else would even try. That’s part of who she is. She believes in herself. She believes she can do anything. And mostly, she can. But she is also learning that just because she can, doesn’t mean she always should.
So today, I will look at her in the mirror and smile. There is one thing I love so much about this woman: She never quits. When she messes up, she learns from it and keeps moving forward. After a much-needed break, I know she will be back at it, but this time she will be a little wiser.
My friends, let’s not get stuck hating on ourselves our whole life. Take some time this week to make a “Truth List” about yourself that you can return to when you are tempted to beat yourself up. I love you. You deserve to receive love from yourself.
I want you to experience how good it feels when you can drop the negativity and embrace the truth of beautiful you.
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