"The Mom Job"
Good god. My heart today. You guys.
Why is raising kids so goddamn hard?
I thought it would get easier as they grew up, but it doesn’t. Instead, it just keeps exhausting me. Changing diapers, potty training, yes, all that is hard. But navigating teenagers and a 12-year-old who wants to be 20, now that my friends, is a whole new level. I used to think that once I got them safely to adulthood and moved out, my heart would finally have a break and my job would be done. But my kids are a part of me and watching them struggle to adult and find their way in the world can feel heartwrenching. I can’t kiss their boo-boos anymore. I can’t make it all better. I just have to try and support them in a way that feels good to them but also stay out of their damn way and try not to put any expectations on them. Piece of cake. 🙁
Some days are difficult. On other days, like today, it feels impossible.
Sometimes I wonder, “Will I survive? Will it ever get easier?”
The truth is, I don’t fucking know. I just don’t even know.
However, I do see Grandma’s from time to time and they appear to still be breathing so maybe there is hope. I look forward to being a Grandma!
Today though, I don’t feel very hopeful. I feel tired. My heart feels beat up. There are so many challenges to navigate in parenting and there is no guarantee that any of the work I am putting in will help.
I know I have, am, and will continue to make mistakes. It feels so unfair that we have to learn on our own children. Shouldn’t there be some sort of “test kids” available for those of us who don’t want to screw up our own kids?
I have three kids - and each one of them requires a different approach. It’s like having a job that keeps changing so you never have a chance to get good at it. I feel like I am constantly in the overwhelming stage of learning a new job, except I don’t have anyone training me, the rules keep changing, the software is always updating, my coworkers suck, it’s 24/7, and wouldn’t you know, the pay rate is zero. Sounds great, huh?
I was 21 when I got pregnant with my first child. I had no fucking clue what I was getting into. 20 years later, I still have no fucking clue.
I have made some terrible mistakes as a young mom and I work really hard to not make those mistakes again. But knowing what not to do still doesn’t help me know what TO DO. Parenting, at least intentional parenting, requires me to make tons of decisions on a constant basis.
My brain is tired.
Today, instead of biking to town, I drove my 4Runner to get coffee. Then, I came home to blog. I am too damn worn out to go bike 40 miles. Usually, I push myself because I do not like getting off my routine, but today I felt my body begging for some self-care.
That’s a huge step for me - to listen to my body. - to care for my heart.
Maybe that is the best thing I can do for my kids. Maybe it’s not about being the perfect parent, having the right answers, or feeling competent. Maybe it’s about loving myself amidst the hardest thing I have ever done so that my kids grow up and do the same for themselves.
It’s not my kids who demand perfection from me. It’s the fear that no matter how hard I try, I am still going to screw up and my kids will end up grown-ass adults feeling abandoned by their mother.
But maybe my story doesn’t have to be their story. Maybe my determination to not quit and show up in authenticity and openness is enough. Maybe that’s enough.
I hope so.
The storm outside is almost over. Grey, sad clouds hang down low, but I know that eventually, they will move on. The sun will come out again. Life will continue. And us moms are going to make it.
One sip of coffee at a time.
Comentários