The Complicated “Job” of Being a Mom
People say that being a mom is the most important job in the world. I don’t know if I believe that. There are a lot of important jobs in the world, including the low-paying jobs that we take for granted. Technically, being a mom isn’t a job; It’s just a fact.
However, being a GOOD mom is something entirely different. Technically, it still isn’t a job because we don’t get paid for it, but it IS a choice.
This one is hard for me because there are a lot of areas in my life that my mother neglected. I won’t ever fully understand all the reasons why she raised me the way she did, why she had certain coping behaviors, and why she continues to look away from the truth. We all have a deep, intrinsic desire to be loved and known by our mothers. A few people are lucky to have that, but most of us are not.
I don’t believe my mom ever meant to not be a good mom. She worked hard to give her kids what she didn’t get -training in how to be a capable woman. We learned how to bake bread, make food, clean the house, care for animals, and all the other “housewife” types of things. She accomplished her goal and raised very competent, hard-working children. But none of this did anything for our emotional needs. She had gotten so good at suppressing her own needs that she didn’t even think to procure that kind of relationship with her children.
I can’t be sure, but whatever the reasons, I know that there are a lot of moms who try to do their best but just don’t have the tools they need to be better. That was me for the first 14 years of being a mom. I did the absolute best I could, but I only knew what I knew. You understand. ;) But this blog is not about the details of that.
I didn’t choose to be a mom - at least not as quickly as it happened. I got pregnant 3 months after getting married, at age 21. Being “homeschooled”, and then raised in a cult cut off from the rest of the world, I was not very informed on the subject of sex. We weren’t even allowed to say the word sex. Anyway, long story short, I started having kids very young. I figured it was just my lot in life - my job. Everyone told me it was the most important job in the world. Full circle.
Now I am 40 years old, my 18-year-old son is away at college, and my 15 and 11-year-old girls are home with me. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t have kids. Raised the way I was, I never even knew I had a choice to be a mom or not. I will never know how things could have or would have been, but what I do know is that I fucking love my kids.
Today my girls are sick with fevers. My youngest has had a fever for 5 days. This virus is no joke. All week long I have been doing everything I know to help build everyone’s immune systems to aid in the healing process. Even the doctor was impressed and said to just keep doing what I was doing.
Don’t get me wrong, caring for sick kids all week is not my choice of activity, but it is my choice. Earlier today, my 15-year-old looked over at me while she was lying feverishly on the couch and said,
“I’m so sorry Mom that you have to be stuck here with us.”
I interrupted her.
“Nope. Do not apologize. I am not stuck here. I can walk out the door right now and never come back. But I won’t because I choose to be here. I want to take care of my girls.”
As the words came out of my mouth it was such a good reminder to me. I hadn’t thought about it that way before. Maybe I didn’t choose to be a mom, but I sure as hell can choose if I’m going to be a good one.
I am deeply grateful that I have been able to provide my kids with connection and love in a way that I did not receive. I am also grateful that I am learning that being a good mom does not have to mean self-sacrifice. It’s been difficult learning to love myself and not feel guilty for it, but I realized that the only way to teach my children to love themselves is for me to lead by example.
There is not much glory in taking temperatures and making chicken noodle soup. There are a hell of a lot of things that good moms do that go unnoticed - even our kids sometimes take us for granted. But as I look at my children every day, I feel incredibly honored to have a front-row seat to their greatness.
Being the best mom I can be and continuing learning how to be better, can be exhausting at times. I won’t lie. But it’s my choice and it is one choice I have never regretted.
It may not be the most important job in the world, but it is important to me.
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