Stop Trying To Sell Your Shit
I finally made it to my goal and biked into Echelon Coffee in Springfield. It was a little over 19 miles and most of the route was pleasant, except for the stop sign I almost ran and the police that reprimanded me. Oh well. I kept trying to defend myself in my brain, but the truth is, I was being dangerous, and now I know for sure that cyclists are required to stop just like cars. Previous to this incident, I thought I had the option to choose. 🤣 Whoops!
I guess America isn’t much of a free country after all. 😄 Mostly, it embarrassed me. I keep reminding myself that it’s for the best and that I really shouldn’t be taking chances.
Recently, I biked past a huge equipment supply business. They had a large variety of dozers, skid steers, tractors, backhoes, and lots more all parked out front. The well-built machines were sparkling with fresh paint. Their beautiful and strong appearance beckoned buyers to come try them out. I marveled at this farmer's paradise as I cycled past.
Then I noticed something else.
Behind the huge business was an enormous parking lot outlined with tall, chain-link fencing. Locked inside were rows and rows of old implements and tractor parts. Their color was no longer visible due to the rust that covered every inch. Signs of wear and tear showed that these machines had put in their time. They looked tired, almost forgotten. I took in the scene as I coasted slowly by. The sign on the fence read, “Used Parts For Sale”. I felt sad.
I was biking and pondering this encounter when suddenly this came into my mind: “We all try hard to showcase our beautiful side but no matter who we are, how famous we are, how much money we have, who we know, what kind of life we live, or even how much we have healed, we all have junk we store out back.”
That may sound depressing to you, but it felt relieving to me.
It is these truths that connect all of us humans. To know pain and suffering is to be human. To struggle and fail is human. To have old habits, unhealthy patterns, reoccurring fears, and other parts of us that we are not proud of, this also, is human. What I love so much about the indomitable human spirit, is that we keep trying. We keep getting back up. We keep showing up; committed to figuring it out. And while this may not be true for every human, the majority of mankind continues to evolve. It’s how we have stayed alive on this planet for so long. But no matter how zen we may get, we will never escape our humanness. We will never outgrow the struggle. Yes, our junkyard can shrink in size as we learn to let go of old ways that no longer serve us, but it will never completely disappear.
This is an important part of learning to embrace all of ourselves.
At first glance, I only saw all the rust and years of abuse when I looked at the used parts sitting out in the hot sun. But as I looked closer, I saw well-used parts that had done their very best to serve the machine operator. They had worked really hard. When there was a need, they showed up every time; willing to stick with it until the job was done. The years of wear and tear told of their devotion and determination. Slowly, the picture before my eyes transformed into a story of love. Of course, my first instinct was to stop and bring them all home with me so that they could have a home to rest and never have to work again. However, I didn’t have a million dollars to purchase the many used parts, plus, it would have been difficult to drag them all home behind my bike.
So I left them there. But I took something else home with me - this beautiful reminder that I don’t need to be frustrated with the old parts of me. I will continue my healing journey but at the end of the day, I’m still me. I still struggle. I still get insecure sometimes. I still deal with getting triggered. I still battle self-doubt. I still experience shame. I still miss the people I have distanced myself from for the sake of my health. I still sometimes wonder what the hell I am doing. And occasionally, I still reach back for those old parts in hopes they can help me. It’s not because I’m messed up - it’s because I’m human. It’s part of the package. Some people call it a beautiful mess. I prefer to call it beautifully human.
Be kind to your junkyard. At one point, they served you well. They kept you alive. They did their job. You are here now, because of them. Yes, now we have new tools, and new ways to navigate our world as we change and grow, but don’t go hating on those old parts of you.
Instead of hiding them out back, caged up, hoping to get rid of them somehow, I am going to create a safe place for them to retire. They deserve acceptance, gratitude, and love. Beyond the unsightly jumble, I see younger Abby, rescuing me the best she could, keeping me alive during some of the hardest times of my life. You did a good job my gem. You can be done now. I’m all grown up. I got it from here. Thank you. Thank you for always being there for me.
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