“So you think you know me?”
I love crazy. I love new, weird ideas. I love to explore. I love to discover silly ways to do the mundane, everyday things. I love to act ridiculous. I love spontaneous skits that make my kids bust up laughing. I love loud music. I love singing off-key just to torture my son except now he does it back to me ;).
I love adventures. The last-minute jump in the van and let’s go watch the sunrise over the creek. I love the outdoors. Everything about it. If I’m outside, chances are I’m pretty happy. I love to hike with my family. Seeing new places, soaking up nature, and feeling the fresh air in my lungs. I especially love hiking in new places. If I could have grown up in the old days, I would have loved being a famous explorer (well except that I am directionally challenged so I would probably have gotten lost. But at least I would have fun exploring nature until I starved to death. So there’s that. But ya know, a girl can fantasize right?) Anyways, I do love me some adventure.
I love challenges! Any and all of them!! I have been known to complete some “almost impossible” feats just because someone dared me to. I get some sort of weird high from pushing my body to the extremes. Riding my bike today was fucking cold but amidst the snot running under my mask and the frigid air whipping my body, I found myself smiling proudly. It feels so empowering to accomplish what I set my mind to. Yes, sometimes I am swearing at the 25 mph winds. Yes, sometimes I am shivering and cold and wondering why the hell I feel the need to still bike in the crappiest of weather. But in the end, I can’t help but love a good challenge.
People that know me, know all these things about me. But there are other sides of me that most people don’t experience. And honestly, I didn’t even know these parts of me even existed until the past couple of years. When Nate and I decided to get rid of our old mindsets and beliefs I suddenly had the freedom to fully discover all of myself. I thought I knew all of me, but boy was I wrong. I had SO MUCH that was buried under shame and condemnation. It’s been crazy but AWESOME to get to know these other precious parts. Now I can finally show up authentically.
I just have to work on not apologizing for who I am. That’s shit hard. I think because I assume people won’t approve and I am so used to bending over backward to please everyone else. But if I really think about it, I truly don’t want to waste my time anymore on people that don’t love all of me. So I will continue learning how to embrace myself fully and let go of the need for validation from others. Definitely easier said than done.
I love being alone. Yep. Loud, funny, center of the spotlight, and people-loving Abby loves being alone. It recharges my soul. It feels so good to not have the pressure of caring for others' needs and just be able to focus on myself. The quietness and peace are food for my soul. Especially out in nature. It centers me; grounds me; helping me connect to my deepest self.
I love thinking outside the box. I love contemplating why we all get so stuck in doing what our society tells us is “normal”. I love allowing myself to wander to any possibility. I love giving myself permission to find what feels good to me regardless of how “untraditional” it is. This probably explains why I love nonmonogamy so much. The very audacity that I can love more than one person and not be stuck to loving only one gender feels like being given wings to fly. So goddamn good.
I love exploring my sexuality. The realization that my sexuality is not something to be hidden or ashamed of is mind-blowing. I am learning to love and be proud of this beautiful part of myself. I have only begun to uncover the tip of the iceberg and I am fucking excited to explore its depths.
I love being called Abigail. I do NOT love being called Abby. It instantly takes me back to the “old me”. Honestly, I have always loved the name Abigail way more than Abby but people just assumed I liked the nickname better. No one ever asked me. But now I have decided that I am a grown-ass adult and I am allowed to demand people call me by my actual name. (I know. It’s crazy that it took me almost 40 years to get brave enough to value my own want over what I figured others wanted. Better late than never I guess 🙂.) Recently I found myself offended when people automatically called me “Abby” as soon as I told them my name was “Abigail”. I mean come on. When someone tells me their name is Charlotte I don’t instantly say “Nice to meet you Char.” Maybe if I become best buds with her, but only if she said she actually liked the nickname Char. Okay. I’m sure you get the point.
You see? There is a lot more to me than what the majority of you have seen. Especially if you are from my past and you are reading this. The truth is, I am a whole different person than the “Abby” you used to know. And I fucking love this new person.
I’ll bet there are parts of you too that are undiscovered or have been hidden away for years. I hope you can find the courage to go on an exploration within your very own soul and give yourself permission to find what feels good to you. I know it’s scary. God, it can be scary as hell to let other parts of yourself show that you aren’t sure others will approve of. But come on. The people in your close circle should be crazy about you. The rest of the people don’t matter. They can go find someone else to judge.
It’s time for us to stop thinking that some parts of ourselves are not acceptable. You are the bomb. Cool as shit. Quit buying that lie babe. Freedom is ours for the taking. Just know that we will have to actually “take it”. No one is going to roll out a red carpet and hand us our freedom. But you sure as hell can hand that freedom to yourself. You deserve it!
We are complicated beings. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to get to know yourself. It’s so worth it darling.
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