“Seizing the Season”
Today was a good summer ride into town! With a 103 heat index, I was glad to have coconut water to drink along the way. I made it to the coffee shop hot and sweaty and ready to enjoy some air conditioning. 🙂
It’s been a rough past couple of days for me for a variety of reasons.
1. I got into a big fight with Nate, which is a rare occurrence. That shook me quite a bit. Thankfully it was only a day of feeling lost before we had time to talk and work through it. I can hardly go an hour feeling disconnected from him. I fucking hate it. It was a misunderstanding that ended with me feeling very hurt and uncared for. My trauma played a huge part in it and once Nate saw the position I felt put in, he was deeply apologetic. In seconds I melted into his arms and peace flooded my body. Due to the toxic relationship that my parents had and how it has affected me throughout my life, I am always so scared that I will end up repeating the horrible story. I NEVER want my kids to go through what I went through. I am so grateful that Nate keeps choosing to grow and work together with me to find how we want to be in our relationship instead of all that we were taught. It’s shit hard to change old patterns but both of us are committed to a new life and a new “us”. (Thank you Nate for continuing to show up and figure it out with me even when it feels confusing and messy. You continue to amaze me.)
2. Recently, I offered a complimentary “Mental Health Enrichment Opportunity” to a couple of organizations in town. I was hoping to offer a valuable summer experience for struggling individuals while spreading the word about Freedom For The Taking, but both organizations declined. I have struggled the past couple of days wondering what to do next. It’s tempting to feel like nobody believes that I have any value to offer. It sucks to feel like I have to beg people. You would think that if it was free people would at least give it a try. I know the truth is that it’s much more complicated than that and I’m sure many other factors play in but it’s still a fight inside my head to not feel rejected or want to give up. I know that things take time and a buttload of persistence but sometimes I get discouraged. I have been taking a couple of days to sit with it and not just rush to the next thing.
3. A few days ago I completed my first-ever triathlon!!!! I did the Sprint distance. It was a 500-meter swim, a 12.2-mile bike ride, and a 5k run. I was so fucking excited and proud of myself! So why is this on my list of hard things for this week? Well, afterward, I realized that my 5 weeks of coaching, camaraderie with my classmates, and incentive to work towards a new goal were all over. It suddenly felt like a loss. I already miss it. I miss my coach. I miss the new friends I made. I miss the challenge of conquering something I had never done. And I miss learning. I love learning new things. It’s like drugs for my brain. So now I feel a bit sad and kinda scared that I will lose the incentive to keep working on my swimming.
On my bike ride this morning, I decided to listen to an interview with James Clear on Dr. Becky’s podcast “Good Inside". I like to listen to a variety of podcasts to help give me different perspectives on life. In this episode, they were discussing how to build good habits. James pointed out that we first need to ask ourselves what season we are in before we can decide what is reasonable to have on our plate. Something sparked inside me. At the coffee shop, I got out my notebook instead of my computer. As I started writing, I was amazed to see the answers appearing under my pencil.
I have felt very unsettled as to what to do next and what is the best way to use my time and energy right now. The voices inside my head were telling me to rush and push and keep grinding until I can convince someone that my organization is worth partnering with. But it didn’t feel right inside my body. And one thing I have learned is that if my body doesn’t agree with my head, then I listen to my body. It may not tell me why it disagrees, but if I wait long enough, eventually the answers come through.
And today they did.
As I wrote I realized that this is the last summer I have with my son before he is off to college; the last official living at home with mom and dad before he goes to make his way in the world. Also, this is the last summer with my girls before they start public school for the first time this fall. As soon as I saw those facts in my notebook, I knew exactly how I will be spending my summer…
With my kids
Drinking in this last summer before some very big changes
Making the most of this important season
God, just thinking of it makes me feel emotional.
I am a firm believer that when we find the right answer, we will undoubtedly know because we will feel instant peace. That is how I feel now. I arrived at the coffee shop feeling uncertain, but as I allowed myself time and space to process, my path forward has become beautifully clear. Right now I have one thing to focus on; having a fun and meaningful summer with my kids. After that, I am sure the next thing will become apparent as long as I am open to all the possibilities.
Thank you for walking through this with me today. I hope you feel empowered to take some time to look at what season you are in and give yourself permission to focus on what feels right to you at this moment and let go of what isn’t fitting. Just because it doesn’t fit now, doesn’t mean it won’t fit later. We don’t have to hustle for our worth. When the time is right, the opportunities will arise. (At least this is what I keep telling myself.) 🙃
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