Running For My Life
Sometimes my mind is like a playground. It feels like one of those huge, innovative playgrounds tailored to inspire children’s creativity. Everything about it is bursting with hope and opportunities. Everywhere I look I discover beautiful varieties of color. I am filled with bravery and a sense of unbeatable energy. Adventure beckons me to keep exploring.
On other days, my mind is like a war zone. Beaten down, devoid of life - like a barren land stripped of its nutrients. Surrounded by the terrifying cannons and endless rows of barbed wire, there seems to be no way out. I struggle and search for answers but all I can hear is the mocking laughter of the enemy. None of the tactics I learned in training are helping. Defeat whispers “hopeless” in my ear and I begin to believe it.
This morning while biking into town, I started listening to podcast episode #252 with Martha Beck on “We Can Do Hard Things”. One part made tears instantly spring to my eyes. I felt it deep in my gut. Martha was asking Amanda Doyle if she felt like this, but at that moment, it was for me.
Martha said “A part of you is like a baby deer. It runs and it runs and it runs - it was born knowing how to run, and it’s running to save everyone. And there are tigers right behind it. It’s terrified to slow down and it’s terrified to be caught.”
I am that baby deer. My whole life I have been in survival mode, just trying to stay one step ahead of the tigers. 4 years ago I became aware of predators in places that were supposed to be safe. After this traumatic truth came out, I made some hard but vital decisions to protect my precious family. I changed my thinking. I changed my beliefs. I changed my life. I changed my running course and began running for a new cause. I wanted to warn others about the tigers. I wanted to help them find a new life, free from the need to run with constant stress and fear.
You see, I have built boundaries into my life now that keep the tigers out. It allows me to have the peace and freedom that I never had. It gives me permission to explore and create a life outside our hustle culture.
The problem is, I’ve been running since I was born. It’s all I know how to do. It’s second nature. Anything less feels scary as shit. I am fucking terrified to slow down. To stop running feels like surrendering to death. It feels like defeat.
I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing in my life right now. My son is 7 hours away in college, my girls are now in public school all day, and my horsemanship business has been closed since my two therapy horses died. Even though I still podcast and blog weekly, I feel useless and lost. I keep trying to get Freedom For The Taking off the ground with each new idea but nothing seems to work. No one seems interested. It feels like I am running in place - spending all my energy spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.
I know that I am not supposed to get my worth from what I do, but goddamn I feel worthless right now.
Freedom For The Taking is all about getting off the hampster wheel and creating a life outside the stupid pressure society tries to trap us in. I am passionate about freeing others, but somehow I forgot that I too deserve freedom.
To the darling, terrified baby deer inside me: “You can stop running. I am so fucking proud of you for escaping all those tigers. I know you desperately love people and want to help them however you can. Your experiences have empowered you to make incredible changes in your life and you want to share this with the world. I believe you will but first, you must permit yourself to slow down. You need to catch your breath. It’s not failure; it’s success. You got so busy rushing to help others that you forgot to celebrate your success. Shit girl, you deserve some celebrating. You have nothing to prove. Your value is untouchable because no matter how hard anyone tries, nobody in this whole world will ever be you. Nobody brings the wild joy that you bring to this world. I know it feels frustrating when your offerings get turned down, but please don’t give up. Maybe this is just nature's way of helping you see some areas you need to grow in. Return to yourself, my love. Take off those running shoes and find some comfy slippers - or maybe try on some funky hightops. Giving up the running doesn’t mean surrendering to a boring, meaningless life—quite the opposite. Instead of using all your energy running to barely stay ahead, you get to choose how you want to spend your energy. No more wasting it on others. No more wasting it hustling for your worth. And guess what? As you give yourself permission to find what feels good, you automatically give others that freedom. Now that my “deer”, sounds like ultimate success.”
I have noticed something interesting when I am in the corral with my horses: When one horse lets out a huge sigh and licks and chews, within a matter of seconds, the rest of the horses follow suit. I can physically feel the tension release and relaxation is spread within the herd. It feels so good. Peaceful energy is contagious. I want to find my peace. I want to operate out of that place.
I am tired. I am tired of rushing to find my worth. I am exhausted from believing that if I slow down, I might encounter the truth - that I am just a worthless piece of shit and should stop dreaming so big. I am tired of the panicking voices convincing me it’s not safe to stop. I wouldn’t want this for anyone else, so why do I put this pressure on myself?
It’s likely that if I took a moment to stop and look behind me, I would see that there aren’t any more tigers chasing me. I think I’m just stuck on auto-pilot as a way of protecting myself. Well, I’m ready to be done. I’m ready to breathe.
I didn’t wear any make-up today. It’s been an emotional day for me and I am allowing myself to cry as much as I need to. Healing hurts so deeply sometimes. It can be confusing and frustrating. It’s a never-ending undoing of learned behaviors and an exploration of our true selves.
It takes a ridiculously strong person to stay one step ahead of the tigers, but it takes even more guts to stop running and face our fears. I believe in you. I believe in me. We can do this.
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