“Questions For Me” A digging deep conversation with myself
What is the point?
I’m not sure - maybe to experience my humanity fully? Joy - sadness - all the things?
Today my mind is full of questions. I am allowing myself to be curious without the need for answers. It’s a rather difficult space for me to be in. I prefer specific, actionable steps that accomplish things and push me closer to my goals. I am a very practical person so the thought of stewing on big, life questions feels quite useless.
But all the changes that we have made in this last year have left me feeling a bit lost. I have struggled with my identity and my sense of worth. For a while I ran around, hustling to create a new identity, desperate for something, someone to validate my value. But no matter what I achieved or who encouraged me, it was never enough.
But is it ever enough?
It doesn’t feel like it.
What is enough?
Probably as long as I am seeking outside success or recognition, nothing ever will be.
What do I think will finally make me feel valuable and significant?
I believe that if FFTT (Freedom For The Taking) was up and thriving then I would feel valuable and significant.
Thus begins all the questions. The questions that eat away at me. The questions I try and avoid with my busyness. The questions that can make me feel sad - and I fucking hate feeling sad.
But growth and learning don’t come from avoidance. They come when we lean into the uncomfortable spaces with a willingness to hear from ourselves. Perhaps the unending, unsolvable mysteries of life are not meant to be cracked. Maybe they are simply invitations to be curious and embrace the uncertainty of our very existence.
Why do I want/need validation?
I want to feel important.
From whom do I need it?
I don’t know. Lots of people maybe. It’s hard for me to feel impactful if only a few people tell me that what I am doing is meaningful to them. I don’t like this about me. I don’t want to get caught in the trap of “numbers matter” and forget that each person is incredibly important.
Is this a bottomless pit of constantly seeking outside sources to make me feel good about myself?
Seems to be.
Why can’t I feel good about myself right now?
I am trying to notice the areas that I have already grown in but the majority of voices in my head are so loud. They constantly tell me that caring for my kids, my farm, my podcast, and my blog is just me being lazy. They tell me that I need to get a “real job” or go do some serious hustling to get my nonprofit off the ground.
I. Hate. These. Voices.
What picture of success is in my head that I am basing all my happiness on?
Significant speaking gigs where I can share my story, empower many people, and also bring in good money. I want to work with struggling kids or desperate adults to help them find their way back to themselves. (I find this intriguing. I so badly want to help others find their true path yet I am over here floundering like a fish out of water. Go figure. Or go fish.) 😄
Why must it include hustling?
It’s hard for me to imagine that opportunities will just come to me. Everyone says you have to work hard to achieve your dreams. Most of our culture lives stressed with too much on their plate and it feels selfish and lazy for me to not join in.
Do you want to spend your whole life operating from a space of hustle?
Please, no. Besides the fact that it’s exhausting, it’s also discouraging. I don’t want to believe that the reason I am alive on this planet is so that I can spend all my precious time and energy rushing to climb the ladder. It doesn’t matter how high we climb. In the end, we all die anyway no matter which rung we end up on. Why do I want to spend my one life always reaching higher, never satisfied enough to get off the ladder and enjoy the view?
Do you believe that hustling is the best way to achieve your dreams?
I guess it depends on what my dreams are. If my dreams are to achieve the success that is measured by other humans, then I had better get my butt moving. But if my dreams are to achieve peace and contentment, then only I get to be the judge of what that is.
What ARE your dreams?
I REALLY want to help people. Any people that are hurting and hoping for something more in their life. It doesn’t feel enough to just work on myself. I want to share the things I have learned in my life with others. I want to empower them to break outside the boxes of our culture and be brave enough to explore a life that is in alignment with their desires.
If hustling doesn’t feel good inside your body, then what DOES feel good?
It feels good to not worry. It feels good to do what comes to me through daily inspiration. It feels good to allow myself time to be “lazy” and find peace in random things that make me happy. It feels good to trust that just being me in the small ways I reach out, is indeed enough. It feels good when I don’t have a huge list beating me down and I can explore the day and have time to be creative.
Yesterday I was in the middle of listening to Martha Beck’s book, “The Way of Integrity” and she was talking about how she has coached many people from all walks of life. One thing she notices is that when something isn’t working for someone, they try doing it “harder”. It may seem obvious to you that this won’t work, but I have watched many people including myself try this method. Our very own society constantly reinforces this message with the lie that if we just work “harder” we can achieve happiness. Martha was suggesting that instead when things aren’t working and we don’t know what to do, or what direction to go in, we should take some time to slow down and tune into our bodies.
This hit home to me. It’s the slowing down that scares the shit out of me. I am used to living in fast-paced mode, feeling like a bear will catch up and eat me alive if I slow down. But I also find so much peace when I am not rushing around and I have time to “tinker” with things I love. Same coin - different side. It’s crazy that I have such opposite parts of me that seem to be constantly fighting against each other.
Who is this achieving/validation-seeking part of me?
She is the 18-year-old me. She found natural horsemanship and was enamored by the professionals and what they could accomplish. She wanted to be that. She wanted others to see how talented she was. This was her chance to have her own thing. Almost as soon as she started learning, she also started teaching horsemanship to kids in the village. What started with just Shiloh and a few horse-crazy kiddos, quickly grew into 17 horses and 80 students a week. Although it was a lot of time and energy, this 18-year-old girl loved working with the students and creating a fun, learning environment. 3 years into it, she was pregnant with her first child but she still managed to pull off a huge horse show that made close to $2,000. She never made a penny for all the work she did but the huge smiles from each of her students made it worth it. The only thing she hated was the control that the leaders constantly kept on her passion. At one point, horsemanship was taken away from her under the accusation that she was too controlling and selfish. She spent the next few months feeling horrible, wanting to hide from the judgemental villagers, confused and angry yet hating herself. She watched from afar as careless teens galloped her horse for miles, with no experience or knowledge, just for the adrenaline rush. She knew her horse was being abused, but she was helpless. She wasn’t allowed to intervene.
Eventually, she was able to rejoin horsemanship but she was never the same. She felt beaten down, afraid to ever again create something that she felt passionate about. She believed that she was untrustworthy and incapable of being in charge due to her “selfish nature.”
Shit. I am crying now. Huge tears are pouring down my cheeks. What that 18-year-old deserved was respect. She should have been paid what she was worth for starters but much more than that, her experience, knowledge, and efforts should have been respected as highly valuable.
Because this was the kind of life I grew up in, it’s tough for me to look back and recognize how harmful some of these things were to me at such a young, influential age. What may seem obvious and completely toxic to you, was just the “norm” for me. It was all I knew, so I believed what I was told and coped the best that I could with the hand dealt to me.
I have always been irritated about this part of my horsemanship journey and honestly, I don’t know why the leaders were such buttheads about it all. I still don’t understand why they took it from me except for their ambiguous accusations about me being controlling. I have a hunch that one of my assistants went complaining to them because they wanted more power and didn’t like that I had the most experience. I also just realized that it may have had to do with the fact that I was a woman and my assistant was a young man. So yeah. He most likely didn’t like being “under” me.
Anyway, I’ll never know for sure and that is not the part that matters. What matters is that I just realized that this part of me that so desperately wants to be validated never got what she deserved 22 years ago. She feels stuck. She is trapped feeling like no one sees her. She feels misunderstood, taken advantage of, and dismissed. She feels overlooked. No one seems to want to give her a chance. This only cements the belief that indeed she is not worthy enough and that she is just joking herself to believe that she has something of value to offer this world.
Goddamn.
Of course, darling. Of course, you are floundering. Working so hard to create something of value only to be turned away, feels like a death sentence. It feels like you will never be able to contribute anything meaningful. It feels hopeless. Putting yourself out there and being rejected feels like confirmation that you aren’t smart enough or experienced enough. But maybe it’s time that you stopped believing other people and relying on them to judge your worth. Putting your value in the hands of others is not safe. No other human is capable of weighing your worth, though many are more than happy to try. Only you truly know yourself. The real validation is right inside you - waiting for you to believe it.
Looking back, you knew. You knew that you were talented. You knew you brought immense value because you felt it in your body. It made you feel alive. You felt purposeful. You loved it. The problem was that you had been well-trained to hand over your power to those “above” you - so much so that you could not trust your own guiding intuition.
Well my gem, you know better now. Those village fuckers are never going to give you the respect you deserved but you sure as hell can give it to yourself. You don’t have to ever again bend down, begging for validation from anyone else. What you have done in your life, all the things you have accomplished, all the people’s lives you have touched up till now is an amazing testament to the incredibly talented, valuable human you are. It’s not just enough, honey. It’s more than enough.
These next few months don’t be surprised if you don’t see me hustling around town, searching for someone to “want/need” me. I don’t want to waste any more of my life in the lie that I am only worthy when others see my worth. Instead, you might see me riding my motorcycle, all bundled up for the cold weather but incredibly happy to be doing something I love just for the hell of it.
And for now, that’s enough for me.
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