“Progress Baby - Not Completion”
Okay, Universe -you have my attention. Last week I had to reroute due to a train stuck on the tracks, and now this week part of the Frisco Trail was closed. Am I missing the lesson? You keep throwing roadblocks in my way. Rayna, my mentor, says that the Universe will continue bringing the lesson back around until we learn it. If this is true, I’d kindly like to learn the lesson because I’m getting irritated with having to turn around and find a different way into town. I am still unfamiliar with this area so it can be pretty stressful but then again, rerouting is forcing me to learn different options.
Maybe that’s it. Maybe instead of being inconvenient and stressful, I can see the roadblocks as opportunities to take new paths. Our brain automatically uses the most well-worn paths unless we intentionally forge a new trail. When life throws me a curveball, my first response is to feel frustrated and put out. “Who does Life think they are to come along and mess with my plan? Rude! Don’t you know I like to pretend like I am in charge?”
The Universe, Life, or whoever it is, doesn’t seem to care that I want to control how things go. At 41 years old you would think by now I would get the point - but die-hards don’t die easy. ;) However, I do think I am becoming more aware of myself and my feelings so that’s progress.
And honestly, that’s enough. I think it’s our human tendency to want to learn something and then move on. Having to return to the same lesson not only feels annoying, it can also feel like failure. Like, “Why the hell haven’t I learned my lesson yet?” I hear ya and I feel ya. But maybe we are focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe it’s less about “conquering” and more about “growing”. This feels right inside my body.
What if life is really just a continuum of circles instead of a linear path to some specific destination? If this is true, it makes sense that the same messages in life keep showing up. Instead of trying to “learn the lesson and move past it for good” maybe it’s an opportunity to continue growing in that area. Maybe every time we circle around we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves.
I always think the Universe is out to get me and “teach me a lesson” but in reality, that’s probably just me projecting my own toxic judgments on myself.
I am really hard on myself. Most people I have met are that way. I think it’s a form of self-protection. Beat ourselves up so no one else has to. And though it feels safer to be the one beating myself up, I end up being way harder on myself than anyone else would ever be which can keep me in a toxic cycle of self-hatred. I have been working hard to learn to have compassion and love for myself but then when life throws in a roadblock I immediately assume that it’s my fault somehow and if only I had “learned my lesson” this wouldn’t be happening to me.
There is a buttload of reasons why I have this type of thinking including being raised in a very toxic, high-control situation. We all grow up with messed-up messaging but as adults, we have the opportunity to wade through the shit and figure out what we truly believe.
When I realized that my whole life was filled with lies and toxic people, I felt completely disoriented. Unlearning negative patterns is not for the faint of heart. Building a whole new life isn’t exactly a cakewalk either. But here I am, and here you are, doing our damn best to live and learn throughout all the uncontrollable shit.
Which brings me back to my point. Progress baby, not completion. What could be more successful than continued growth and a deeper understanding of ourselves? I used to think that I had to get to “pro” status in life but that kept me in a constant state of turmoil. The chair would get knocked out from under me the second I felt close. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know - and surprisingly it feels so much more peaceful than striving for perfection. Being a student of life is now my goal.
Do you keep “coming round the mountain” of life? Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe it’s a really beautiful opportunity.
I might be way off my rocker. If that’s the case, it’s okay with me. I never really liked the idea of rocking quietly anyway. Sounds too much like torture.
I say “Fuck the rocker and get out to enjoy your life - roadblocks and all.”
Comments