Permission To Sparkle
Some days I wish I could swoop up my girls from public school and carry them away from all the shit that they have to deal with every day. It’s been so hard to watch them navigate hurtful people, unaware people, inconsiderate people, exclusive people, and the list goes on. I know I sound very judgy right now but it’s the truth. My girls are constantly astounded by the lack of maturity in their peers. Their stories break my heart and also reveal the unhealthy environment that some of these kids are stuck in. Some days I want to go rescue these kids and bring them home, other days I want to go set a few of them straight.
Yet, I know that trying to “save the day” would not be helpful to my girls. This is a chance for them to learn. They get to decide what their boundaries are and figure out how to communicate with a world that sometimes really sucks. I am so proud of them. They are doing such hard things every day. They have proven to be beautifully resilient in an environment that is completely foreign to them.
The thing I care most about is their “shine”. I am watching closely to make sure that they still feel free to be themselves. I guide and encourage them the best that I can but sometimes I get afraid. I don’t ever want them to stop loving themselves or buy into the lie that they have to “fit in” to be loveable. So far they continue to stand strong and the sparkle in their eyes has not faded. If a day ever comes that they lose that, then I’m calling it all off and we will find another way to school. Education isn’t my priority. My girl's hearts, their irresistible love for life, and their creativity and curiosity - those are the things I care about.
I miss my son. He turned 18 last week and it was the first birthday that we weren’t together as a family to celebrate him. He is 7 hours away in college and I am so proud of him. For his birthday he went on a Bonzai trip all by himself up to The Great Lakes. I thought about being offended that he didn’t want to drive home for his birthday, but I just couldn’t be because I was so impressed and excited for him to go celebrate in his own way. I tried to remember my 18th birthday but no memories came to mind. I was living a whole different life, in a toxic, religious cult at that time and never even considered being independent. It does my heart good to see that my children are growing up with the freedom to go do things that they love instead of being chained to please everyone else like I was.
I love my kids. Parenting is damn hard. It’s invigorating and heartbreaking at the same time - a weird paradox of some sort - a truth that you feel deep in your gut.
These little humans that came from inside my body are now beginning to tower over me. They confuse me, amaze me, and challenge me. I love them so much.
Sometimes it’s hard for me to dream about what I want for my life because my kids have been my life. Since I was 21, I have been a mom. Now I am searching for meaning outside of raising my kids and to be honest, it’s kicking my ass. Things have not fallen into place with my nonprofit like I was hoping they would. I’m sure that’s to be expected because life isn’t just going to hand it to me. But it also has me wondering if I need to think outside of my norm and the things that I am good at. Maybe it’s time to learn something completely new. I don’t know.
I have been training horses and teaching students for over 20 years. I have learned a whole lot and I don’t regret any of it. But I have been realising that I am scared to stray too far from my horses - like I feel scared to not be using my talent and experience. I am not sure why. I think it’s been such a part of me that the thought of not having it be my job feels like abandoning a part of myself. At the same time, I don’t like the feeling of being tied only to horses, as if that is where my value lies. In one way, it feels restraining and frustrating. Anytime I am talking with someone about my passion for helping people find their freedom and I mention my horses, they fixate on that and the whole conversation becomes about that. It seems people just want to come ride my horses or have me teach their kids but no one is interested in me offering anything else. It feels dismissive and discouraging. As if my only value lies in my horses and my horsemanship ability.
I need to explore this. I refuse to spend my life doing things that others want me to do if these are no longer things I want to be doing. I see WAY too many people stick with a certain job even though they are miserable. They always have many logical reasons why they can’t leave it but the look of defeat in their eyes tells the truth. It breaks my heart.
I have encouraged people that they have the freedom to choose something else, to explore and find something that feels good to them. It seems that maybe I should take my own advice. Why is it so easy to help others but hard as hell to help myself?
Fear has a way of holding us back. It warns us that the unknown is risky. It reminds us that the familiar is the safest route. And it’s right. But did playing it safe ever get anyone to the top of Mt. Everest? I think not.
Maybe you are happy living at the base of the mountain and not taking any chances, but I’m not. If I stay down here I know what will happen; I will lose the spark in my eyes. The wild in me will die and I will join the ranks of so many others who were never brave enough to make changes in their life. I would never want this for my kids but how will they know how to take risks if they don’t first watch their mother do it?
Abigail, today I am giving you permission to explore new ideas and the possibility of doing something that you’ve never done before. Think big, think far, think wide. Adventures only start when you move forward. Whatever lies ahead, whatever it may be, one thing I know that will never change is your value. No matter what you do or what you’re good at, you are valuable just for the beautiful gem that you are. And when things don’t turn out the way you hoped they would I will always be here to catch you. Together, we will heal, recalibrate, and move on, just like we always have.
If your job no longer brings you joy and you find yourself dreading every day, I beg you to be brave enough to try something new.
You deserve to love your life, and turns out, I do too.
Life is meant to be an adventure, not a familiar parking space. 🙂
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