Life - One Big Science Experiment
Today was a solid rain ride. But as the rain soaked my pants and filled my shoes with water, I found myself smiling. It was an adventurous smile that showed pure enjoyment of this unique experience. I loved it!
Yesterday I had two meetings. One with the high school counselor and the other with the principal and counselor of the intermediate school. I asked a lot of questions about the schools and the process of enrolling my daughters. The people were kind and helpful. I was grateful for their patience and willingness to talk with me about all my concerns.
Afterward, I got in my van and breathed out a huge sigh. I could feel my body releasing tension and anxiety. I spent some time thinking about it all. I talked with Nate. But I know there is still a lot to consider and I haven’t let my feelings get too involved. Mostly because I know it will be like a dam bursting. And sometimes I just don’t want to feel that much.
I will though. Eventually. I am allowing myself to take the time for it all to sink in and not rush myself to make decisions or feel pressured into anything. At this point, I am taking it kind of bite-sized. It’s fucking new. And fucking scary. And I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all. I’ve never even considered public school for my kids. It’s a huge leap to pursue it and allow myself to let this be an option.
The hardest thing is trying to figure out what choice is most honoring to our family. I want to give my kids the best shot at life. I used to think that meant sheltering them and keeping them safe at home but now I don’t believe that. But is sending them off to public school just swinging the pendulum the other way and it’s gonna end up a disastrous wreck? I can’t stand the thought of their precious hearts being hurt.
I also know that I cannot protect them from all hurt and they need to gain tools and wisdom to know how to handle this stuff. The world isn’t always a nice place and they will encounter plenty of adults when they grow up that aren’t kind. It’s this ridiculous hard balance of trying to equip my kids for the inevitable pain and hardship of life but also protecting them from harm as best as I can. Goddamn, it feels impossible.
Sometimes I feel like parenting may quite possibly kill me. It is exhausting, confusing, and unpredictable. I often wonder, “Who in the world let me be a mom? I am completely unqualified.” I think I am best described as a “Winging It Mom”. Does anybody else relate to this? Most of the time, I am just experimenting with hopes of a good outcome. It’s like I am a mad scientist except without the science degree. Okay, basically I’m just mad. ;) Anyways, my point is, I don’t know what the hell I am doing.
I think there is a huge problem that needs to be addressed. When we are kids, we are taught that adults are grown-ups. But that’s not true. Adults are “growing ups”. We may reach a mature age where our bodies stop growing but that doesn’t mean we have figured life out. We are still adapting and learning through trial and error. I find it kind of bizarre that we have the ability to create baby humans and then be entrusted to raise and prepare them for a world that we are still trying to figure out ourselves.
Maybe the best I can do for my kids is to empower them to not be afraid of what might feel like failure. Life is just one big fucking experiment. And if you know the history of how most things got invented, it wasn’t quick and easy. It took a hell of a lot of “failed attempts”. In a lot of situations, it was these so-called “failed attempts” that turned into some really cool and ingenious inventions. But scientists know that this is all part of the process. They expect it. In fact, the good ones welcome it. It’s how they discover things.
Seems that I might have grown up expecting myself to be a wise parent, ready to guide my kids smoothly through life. Realizing that it’s all an experiment has been a bit of a shock. It feels so unpredictable. I don’t like it. I want a guarantee that it’s all gonna work out. But I don’t guess that’s gonna happen. Sigh. A woman can dream, right?
I know all of you reading this are probably like “Dream on woman. We are all winging it.” At least I can be comforted knowing I am not alone. And if any of you out there thinks you have mastered this parenting thing, I beg you to PLEASE email me with your profound wisdom.
Until then, I will just keep on with my experimenting 🙂.
Cheers to all my friends doing this shit hard work of trying to raise your kids while raising yourself at the same time! And when you are struggling through the confusion you can remind yourself that you’re a goddamn scientist!
I know you have tough days and many experiments, but I think it's WAY COOL that you experiment at all -- rather than doing nothing. You're a fucking amazing mom, and I know you are trying hard to be one.
❤️