Kids; it’s a complicated emotion.
Damn, sometimes my heart just wants a break. Last week I was talking to Nate about how all the upcoming big changes are happening at the same freaking time.
He chuckled and said, “That’s how we have always done it. When we do something, we do it all the way.”
I agreed, “Yeah, I guess our motto has always been ‘Go big or go home,’ but sometimes I wish we would pace ourselves better. My heart is tired.”
Yesterday I found myself being short and irritated toward my beautiful Jennifer. I couldn’t figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I was frustrated with myself and my poor woman was doing her best to love me anyways because she knew deeper was going on inside me. The next moment I found myself crumbling into her arms, tears spilling down my face at an unstoppable rate and I felt like my heart was breaking. The paper chain hanging in my kitchen with the 28-day countdown till my son goes off to college and my girls start public school suddenly solved the mystery of the grief I had been trying to hold off. The dam broke and the fear and sadness rushed out like a raging river. My girls were busy watching a movie, but they instantly noticed me – who had been trying to cry silently as I prepared dinner. They stopped the tv and ran over to wrap their arms around me. They held me with such love and grace, I couldn’t help but melt into their embrace. The moment was timeless, beautiful, and healing.
You guys, this journey of being a mom is crazy. It’s completely unexplainable. Sometimes it feels unbearable, frustrating, and ridiculous. At least once a day I wonder why I got myself into this motherhood thing. I feel incapable at best and an absolute loser at worse. But somehow, I still love my kids fiercely. In between the craziness, I have so many wonderful moments with my kiddos. We play together, tease each other, and dance to loud music like wild goobers in the kitchen.
These human beings that I have grown, birthed, nursed, potty trained, taught to read, and ran beside as they learned to ride a bike, have stolen my heart.
I am excited for my kids and the next adventure they are all embarking on. I know they are going to be amazing. They are all so brave and strong. They are such good examples for me. Honestly, they inspire me to keep going. Their smile, their belief in me, and their simple but profound words of wisdom hold me up when I don’t feel like I can stand.
I’ll be okay. I am allowing myself to feel the grief and loss as we transition into this new season. Grief is really hard for me, but I am learning that it doesn’t show up to torture me. Grief comes to heal me. She reminds me how incredibly blessed I am for these kids that sometimes drive me insane. And as I let the grief flow through, peace replaces the anxiety. I can breathe again.
Some of you may not have kids old enough to move away yet, and some of you have kids that are already gone. Wherever you are in life, know that you are not alone. Our kids will always have a place in our hearts that no one else will ever fill. It’s damn hard being a mom. Nothing prepared us for how it would feel to bring a human into this world and then say goodbye to them as they leave to build their life.
But here we are anyways, continuing to show up and be the best moms we can be. We should be proud of ourselves. Moms are most likely the strongest humans on earth. Keep it up dearest friend! You are one badass bitch!
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