Is it Magic?
Last night I watched a Netflix special about the 2 young men, Feliks Zemdegs and Max Park, who made world records for solving a Rubik’s cube. It was mind-blowing to watch how fast they could do it. We are talking in a matter of seconds! It’s tempting to think that these kinds of people have some magic way that their brain works. But do you know how they got so stinking good? Yep. Good ol’ practice. Hours and hours of practice every day. It’s some serious dedication. Turns out they weren’t born this talented. They got interested in it; then obsessed. It was incredible to see how they kept pushing themselves to continually improve.
Here’s the thing: I am not patient enough, or maybe more truthfully, I am not willing to be this patient to learn to even solve a Rubik’s cube. I have tried; probably for 10 minutes and then called it good when I got one of the sides to have the same color. Nate, on the other hand, loves solving all types of puzzles. Weirdo. (Just teasing Nate! You know I’m just jealous…) It’s interesting though because I am really patient with animals. Horses specifically. And Nate is not. He tells me that he is always amazed when I work with loading a scared horse into a trailer. It often takes me hours to get the job done, but I am fully prepared to let the horse take as long as they need to. At the end of the trailer loading session though, the once scared horse loads itself into the trailer while I stand outside and point for it to go in. It’s a beautiful sight but rarely will anyone wait around long enough to see it to the end. It’s not magic; it is a hell of a lot of practice.
You see, I have not always been patient with horses. It has taken me many years to learn self-control, gain a deeper understanding, and be able to put the horse’s needs over my fixation on time. I have been actively practicing how to be better for my horses for over 2 decades. I might make it look easy now, but let me assure you it was not an easy learning experience. And the truth is, I have most certainly not arrived. I will be practicing and growing in this area for as long as I live. Some days I go into my corral and feel the amazing connection to each of my horses as we spend time together. On other days, my mind is scrambled, I lose patience, and get frustrated. I am learning to give myself grace on those days. The really cool thing is that my horses don’t hold it against me. Each time I come back into the corral they give me a fresh, clean slate. It’s humbling, and it inspires me to continue becoming a better version of myself.
It’s one thing to learn to be patient with my horses. It’s a whole other thing to be patient with myself. I’m not exactly sure why it’s so hard for me to extend the same kindness to myself as I do to everyone else but it seems to be a universal issue we all have. I have been working hard to change the way I think and change the way I view myself and the world. It’s damn hard. It takes awareness and intentional action to constantly rewire the unhealthy patterns that have been hard-wired into my brain. Some days I feel free, alive, and full of hope. On other days the slightest thing triggers me and fear comes rushing in as if it’s gonna save the day. I am slowly learning to give grace to myself on these days; to acknowledge the fact that I am human and it’s okay to have an “off” day. It’s damn tempting to be instantly frustrated and start beating the crap out of myself. I so badly want to move on in life and leave all the past shit behind but there is no magic way to do this. The healing comes with each step, each breath, and each conscience choice to give ourselves the love we deserve. It comes with a hell of a lot of practice.
Those “cubers” who set world records didn’t get there in a couple of weeks. It wasn’t a few months of intense practice. It was years. Years and years of hours twisting that cube. Over time they got faster; their brain memorized over 300 algorithms. Eventually, they could do it with their eyes closed. Their achievements were hard-earned.
I think it’s time to extend patience to the girl inside me who is still struggling to wrap her brain around all the trauma she has been through. She is working so hard to grow and heal. The journey she is on is a lifetime of learning to understand and honor herself. Maybe I can picture myself as a scared horse. Instead of rushing and forcing myself into scary change, which just ends up making it scarier, I can work on building a trusting relationship with all parts of me. What if I threw away the stupid clock and allowed myself as much time as I needed to heal?
Horses don’t learn when they are scared. They react. Humans are the same way. Healthy, long-lasting change comes when we feel safe. Today I choose to give myself as much space and time as I need to feel safe enough to move forward. Each step is another choice, another process, another area to grow in trust.
I have spent way too many years abandoning myself; way too many years being trustworthy for everyone but me. Last week I went to give myself a high five in the mirror and I took a moment to look into my own eyes. Suddenly my lip started to quiver and tears fell down my face. It broke my heart. But something else also happened at that moment. I saw me. This sudden, strange compassion overwhelmed me. For the first time in my life, I looked into my own eyes, deep and lovingly, and said out loud “It’s okay girl. You’re gonna be okay. You are doing the best you can.” Then I closed my eyes and felt my own love wash over my body. It was goddamn amazing.
I will probably never be a famous “cuber” or “Youtuber”. But these days I am not aiming for others' recognition and approval. I have found the very best source of love and acceptance. After almost 40 years of searching, I found what I was looking for right inside me.
And maybe that is the magic of it all.
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