“I want - You want - We all want”
I’ve been thinking a lot. I’m not sure why I say that, because technically we all think a lot - even when we don’t want to. But whatever. It’s still true.
I have been thinking a lot.
Life. About living life right now. Today.
Allowing myself the freedom to “want” has been challenging for me. It probably stems from being raised in a family of 9 kids where all my clothes were hand-me-downs and if it wasn’t a dire need, we didn’t get it. I’m not upset about growing up with these limitations though because I have learned some very valuable ways to make due and it makes me grateful when I do get new things.
However, it has also led me to live life a certain way and anything outside of this practical mindset feels selfish. This is what I am trying to change. I do not want to live my life only by practical decisions. I want to live my life choosing things that bring me utter joy and deep fulfillment - even if that means buying something that I can’t justify as a need.
Last month, I bought a motorcycle.
My van still works great and I wasn’t trying to save on gas.
It wasn’t a lifelong dream.
But one day the desire awoke in me and no matter how much I tried to reason it away, it kept coming back. I wanted a motorcycle.
This little voice deep inside me that had been suppressed for a long time finally started talking louder.
Here’s the thing: I have been taught that it’s okay to need what you need as long as it’s within reason. Of course, the definition of “need” is different depending on how you are raised but for me, it was a pretty strict definition since our funds were always limited. But when it came wanting, well that infringed on the margin of selfishness. There was no room for just “wanting” something. That was unpractical at best and utterly selfish at worst.
After a life of guilt and the past 4 years of working hard to rewire my thinking, I am finally learning that it is NOT selfish to want things.
Now I know that there is a whole different level where people get caught up in thinking that “more stuff” will make them happy and this is not what I’m talking about.
What I am learning about is that I can listen to my body and trust that it knows best. When I thought about buying a motorcycle, every fiber inside my being came alive. Even when I knew that it made no practical sense, I still couldn’t deny the truth that it felt right. Buying a motorcycle was the very first time in my 40 years of being alive that I did something just for me with no practical application for it. My only reason was - because it made me happy. That’s it.
I don’t know about you, but for me, that’s fucking revolutionary. To do something just because it makes me happy feels like such a selfish move.
But this is old, toxic messaging that I no longer subscribe to. Why in the world is my happiness, not a good enough reason? Man, that’s messed up.
I am here today to tell you the truth. It most certainly IS enough. We only get one life. Our time is limited and none of us know when it will be our last breath. We need to be living now. We need to be happy now. Sure, it’s fine to save up and plan for things, but I completely reject the idea that we should be miserable at our jobs for 20 years so that we can save up enough money for a fun retirement. Call me crazy, but I don’t want to waste any part of my life in misery. I may not end up with a huge pile of money when I am old, but I’m okay with that. I’m not even sure if I will make it to 90 years old, but what I do know is that if I do, I won’t be looking back and wishing I had spent the previous years unhappy.
Am I making sense?
I had some friends years ago who both worked jobs they hated. They complained about them all the time. When I mentioned that they might consider finding a different job, they quickly responded, “Oh no. I have already been doing this job for 20 years and I have to stick with it for 12 more years so that I can get the retirement that I have worked so hard for.” This befuddled me. WTF. They were so fixed in the mindset of saving for a specific future that they couldn’t even hear how bizarre their response was.
Now, I’m not against people having a retirement plan. You do you boo. If you can plan and save for it, that’s super awesome. But I think it’s absurd to sacrifice your happiness now so that you can have it later, especially since you don’t even know if you will live to that later time.
The culture I grew up in was a bit different because I was raised in a toxic, religious cult. We were taught that we should put our energy into storing up treasure in heaven, which translated into living “selfless” lives, wanting nothing and serving endlessly. This was a power play by the leaders because they benefited greatly from this mindset.
Now that I am out of that cult and into the real world, I am confronted with a different message.
This idea is that we have to chase happiness.
I see so many people hustling for their worth, hoping they can somehow store up happiness to collect later on in life. Everywhere I go I find so many tired people. Please hear me out. It’s not worth it. Please don’t waste another moment buying into this lie. Your happiness can be found today.
No, you do not have to buy a motorcycle. It doesn’t even have to be something you buy. If you pay attention to your body, you will know. Maybe it’s a hike that you have been putting off. Maybe it’s catching up with an old friend. Maybe it’s as big as finding a job that you thrive in, or as small as permitting yourself a much-needed nap.
Here is what I am doing right now: Every day I am being intentional to do one thing that feels good to me. It is different every day. From buying myself a $2.79 frozen burrito to beginning the process of writing my first book. It’s kinda crazy but this new way of thinking has brought me so much freaking joy.
I used to scold myself whenever my body would ask me for things. I felt stupid and silly for having desires. I hate that I spent so much of my life feeling ashamed and bad but I just didn’t know any better back then. From here on out though, I am dedicated to spending the rest of my life learning how to truly love myself.
If we are going to chase something, self-love is definitely something worth chasing.
Let’s do it. Let’s move into this new year with the beautiful belief that we are worthy of happiness right now. Let’s be audacious enough to do the things that make us feel alive. After all, that is what life is about, right?
Living. 🙂
As for me and my wild self, I say “Hell, yes.”
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