I Want To Fix It
Heavy. That’s how I have felt this week. A lot on my mind. Sometimes it seems like all the hard stuff hits at the same time. It sucks. What sucks the worst though is when things are out of your control and all you can do is be there for someone.
A dear friend of mine is going through a shitty time right now. My heart breaks for this person. I want so fucking bad to fix it; to take away the pain; to protect them from the suffering. But I can’t. I feel so helpless and frustrated. I am doing all I know to do, supporting them in whatever way they want and need me to but it doesn’t feel like enough. I want to shake my fist at the universe and tell it to give my friend a break. Watching them hurt so bad rips my heart out. Being states away feels like pure torture. I agonize for them. If I could bear the pain instead of them, I would in a heartbeat.
Life just sucks so bad sometimes.
Watching my kids grow up and struggle as they learn to navigate life is also damn hard. I can encourage and empower them to the best of my ability, but I cannot take the struggle away. I hate seeing them hurt. I hate seeing them sad. I know it’s all a part of life, but that knowledge doesn’t make it easier to watch them flounder.
My kids are growing up. I can’t just hug them to make it all better. It’s no longer a “Let mommy kiss your boo boo” situation. Allowing them to struggle and find their way is really important. I try to create a safe space for them to talk if they want to, but I don’t want to push myself on them.
It’s hard to just sit beside them in their struggle and not attempt to fix it. More often than I wish, I rush in and offer a solution. But I am learning that that is not the best way to raise teenagers. It’s better if I can focus on being a better listener and validating their experiences and emotions. WAY easier said than done. Let’s just say that this mom is a work in progress, and spends at least half of her life apologizing to her kids for reacting instead of responding intentionally.
When I think about it though, the truth is, when I am struggling I don’t want my partners to instantly spout off ways to fix the “problem”. I want them to listen; to hear my struggle; to acknowledge my pain. Most of the time, that is enough. The answers are already inside me when I am ready for them.
I need to remember this and learn to get better at this with my kids. Even though I want to help them so badly, it actually causes more harm if I try and fix it for them. They don’t need answers from me. They need love, validation, and a safe space to feel their feelings. If they want answers, they will ask me. But it’s pretty rare that my 17-year-old wants me to tell him how to live his life ;).
Sometimes he does ask me and in those moments I suddenly find myself being super careful to just give him things to think about that will ultimately help him find his own path. I had way too many people speaking into my life when I was 17, telling me what to do with my life and how to live it. I never want to do that to my kids. I believe in them. I know that they will eventually find their way and begin creating a life that is honoring to them.
I guess it’s unrealistic of me to think that my children will be able to grow the skills they will need to build a life they love if they don’t experience hardship.
Though struggles can help us grow, learn and change, I do not believe that we needed the shit life threw us to make us who we are today. No. I have seen the people I love deeply suffer some horrific things that they should NEVER have suffered. I do think that we can move on and become better versions of ourselves but it’s because we are amazing humans that can flourish despite the fuck we have lived through. It just shows how resilient and crazy strong we are.
I have survived some painfully traumatic situations and been so deeply hopeless that I considered suicide. But watching my people hurt, feels just as hard. For real. I will never stop wishing I could take it away for them.
Heaviness is hard for me. It feels like it may never go away. But I will not run from it. I will keep learning how to better support the ones I love in a way that feels best to them.
Thank you for coming alongside me on this sometimes painful journey we call life. It’s raining outside today and honestly, it feels like it’s raining in my heart. Life doesn’t promise us a pain-free ride, but one thing I know for sure. The sun will come out eventually.
Until then, I will put on my rain gear and hold on tight to the hands of my precious people.
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