“I Love You Day”
I had two big scares on Valentine’s day this year.
In the morning my oldest daughter and I got up early to bring the horses into the stalls before a big storm hit. It was very dark and windy and had already started to rain. We called the horses as we headed out with halters to find them. Instantly we heard 2 distressed whinnies and knew exactly which horses they were. Fear filled my gut. Two years ago at the end of February, my beloved gelding Princeton died from a brain disease. One year ago, also at the end of February, my best friend and lifelong companion of 25 years, Shiloh, passed away from old age. Suddenly, I felt like I was reliving the nightmare that somehow it was becoming a trend for this time of year. I tried to push away the panic, but it wasn’t just panic. It was all the memories of real pain and loss. I wasn’t sure if I could take it again.
We found 3 of the horses huddled together but not moving. Skye, my quarter horse I bought 2 years ago, was nowhere to be seen. The horses acted like they didn’t know what to do without her. Skye is the leader of the herd and takes her job very seriously. My daughter and I started searching around, expecting to find a dead horse laying somewhere nearby. I wished I had brought a flashlight as I scanned desperately around the dark and ominous field. Then, in the far distance of the pasture we had just walked through, I thought I saw a dark shape. We quickly haltered the horses and started towards it. It was Skye! Standing there majestic and watching us approach. A huge rush of relief washed over my tense body. I let out a big sigh as I put a rope around her neck to lead her to the barn. Thank goodness. She must have been way up in the front corner and the other horses probably lost track of her and were confused.
At the barn, I checked Skye over and she seemed totally fine. It was definitely a strange incident that left my daughter and me puzzled but grateful.
The rest of the day was pretty normal. I went to my office and spend 3 hours applying for a grant for my nonprofit, Freedom For The Taking. Then I hit up the grocery store before heading home.
On the way home, I saw a bunch of emergency vehicles rushing up ahead of me. I was behind them for a good 8 miles and then realized that they were all stopping at the intersection where I turn onto my road. My brow furrowed. Oh god. I hope it’s not any of my family. I thought about who it could be. I looked at the clock. It was 4:32 pm. My heart dropped. My son should be driving home from baseball practice soon. That could be him. I tried to slow my heart down but it was too late. It was beating faster and faster as we approached the scene. I strained my eyes to see what type of car it was. It was a small car; dark in color. Just like my son’s. A lump filled my throat and I held my breath in absolute terror of what I might find. It wasn’t until I was literally yards from the scene and turning onto my road, trying to drive around the wreck that I realized it wasn’t my son’s car. My whole body collapsed into my seat and it took a few minutes of deep breaths before I could recover and let the truth sink in. Good god.
Instant gratitude filled my traumatized body. The few last miles home all I could think about was how much I loved my family and how I never want to take them for granted.
At dinner time my girls and Jennifer helped me make a beautiful place setting with candles. It’s rare for all of us to sit down these days and enjoy dinner together due to my kids growing up and all the crazy schedules and extra activities. But this night I managed to have us all together. I looked around at Nate, Jennifer, and my beautiful 3 kids; at that moment I was the happiest woman alive. While we enjoyed a candlelit dinner, I told everyone the scares I had that day thinking I had lost another horse and then most horribly, my son. Tears spilled down my cheeks as I looked into each of their faces and told them all how very much I loved them and how grateful I was for the best family in the world. My kids lovingly smiled and responded with “I love you too mom”. Nate and Jennifer reached over to hold my hands. “I never want to take any of you for granted,” I told them. It was a short but important moment of immense gratitude.
I want to remember to tell my loved ones this as much as possible. I want to remember to take the time to stop everything, look into their eyes, and tell them how grateful I am for them. Because the truth is, even though I don’t want to, I know that I do take them for granted sometimes. I get caught up in the daily grind and I so easily see all the things about them that they can improve in. Especially my kids since I am with them a lot. I see the messy rooms. I see the forgotten laundry. I see the attitude. I see the emotional messiness. I see the rebellion as they test their wings. I see the purposeful ignoring of me sometimes. I see them annoyed when I tell them what to do. I see the never-ending list of chores that they keep putting off. I see laziness. I see anger. I see procrastination. I see these things and instantly decide in my mind what is going on and what they need to do to fix it. I assume I know what’s going on in their mind and I go right into “I know what’s best for you” mode. And I fuck it up. A lot. I go right to being frustrated with them and start barking commands. Just like my mom. Dammit. And in this unfair assumption, I forget to notice all the other things about these beautiful human beings.
Gosh, darn it. I can’t type this without crying. I love my kids so much that I befuddle myself because I still screw up a lot. These not-so-much kiddos of mine have many faucets. I believe we all do. I hate that it doesn’t come as easy for me to notice all their good qualities. And honestly, now that I think of it, I don’t believe the other things I mentioned are actually bad qualities. It’s just a part of the complex makeup of being human. I don’t want to raise respectful, compliant little robots. I want to raise wild, bold, and confident humans. I suppose that it’s just gonna take a lot of practice and rewiring on my part for me to see each part of them as unique and needed.
If I stop for one moment, I can easily see all the things about my kids that amaze me. They love each other fiercely and care deeply for their family. Even though they are experimenting, growing, and learning to have a voice and find themselves, they still have intentional core values they stick to. I love how brave and unafraid they are. Sometimes I sit and watch them doing their thing about the house, oblivious to mom observing them, and I think how wonderful it is to see them free and uninhibited. My heart is filled up and I smile knowing that they will not experience the pain of growing up under religious trauma as much as I did.
I know I got a lot of things wrong as I raised my kids. And I have spent the past 3 years, apologizing for the ways and beliefs I raised them with. And I continue to make mistakes. But today I am really grateful for the reality that brought me to make much-needed changes and be able to give my children a better shot at life. I am learning to not live with so much guilt. I am learning that just as my kids have many facets, so do I and it’s okay for me to be human too.
This blog wouldn’t be complete without talking about how grateful I am for my partners, Nate and Jennifer. They love me so damn well. I am not sure how I found the best people on the planet and then convinced them to stick with me. I often wonder why they love me so much. I can be quite a challenge sometimes.
Nate has been my man for 18 years. Not only has he been committed to learning to love me better every chance he gets, but he has also been such a good dad to our kids. Nate nor I have good dads, but somehow Nate has forged his own path and worked hard to be different. The thing about this man that gets me every fucking time, and continues to sweep me off my feet, is how much he gets me. He understands me better than I understand myself. It’s crazy. I don’t know how but it’s true. And when I feel lost he is always there with the deepest love and compassion to help me find my way. He has never judged me. I feel 100% safe with him. I know without a shadow of doubt that he will never abandon me. He is my home.
Jennifer and I met on Valentine’s Day 3 years ago. I could never have imagined that one day I would get to call her mine. I fell for her the moment I saw her face. I’m fucking serious. That was just the beginning of the hard fall for her. She is the piece that has been missing from my heart my whole life. We fit perfectly together. When I am with her, it feels like I’m in heaven. I look into her deep, beautiful blue eyes and wonder how the hell I got so lucky. She is fiercely committed to me and loves me better than I knew was even possible. She has been through a lot of her own trauma over the past couple of years and I have watched her change and grow right in front of my eyes. She works so hard every day to love herself better and learn how to step into her power, and it makes me fall deeper in love with her. She is my gift.
Today I dedicate this blog to the family that holds my heart. My children and my partners. Thank you for how well you love me. Thank you for your patience, kindness, and understanding when I’m having a rough day. It is because of your deep love and overwhelming support that I am able to be who I am today.
To say “I love you” seems a bit too cheap and simple but it’s all I have.
I love you. Forever and always.
Sooooooooo true. Thank you for writing this. It means a lot to me! I LOVE you sooooooo much back! 😍