I’d Rather Dig a Ditch
They say it’s all about your perspective and your mindset. Maybe they are right. I do wonder though who “they” are sometimes. Whoever “they” are, people sure do give them a lot of credit.
But that’s the beside the point.
Today I am pondering perspective and mindset. I sit here blogging with my head hurting and my body still weak from the heat exhaustion that I got 8 days ago. When this blog comes out it will be 13 days past and I hope my body will be more healed. Over this past week, I have been slowly realizing the danger of my situation and how lucky I was that I didn’t end up in the hospital. It feels so easy to be upset at how long my body is taking to recover. I am frustrated and perplexed at best and bursting into tears of anger and hopelessness at worst. Earlier this week I felt much better and so I got right back into my busy routine. As you have probably already guessed, the next day I was back in bed, moaning and mad. It all feels like punishment to me - having to slow WAY down and rest.
I’d rather dig a ditch.
One of my friends told me about a quote on one of her coffee mugs that says something like, “Rather than being a reward for hard work, rest is a necessary precursor to productivity.” I had to re-read this a couple of times to let it sink in. What if I just thought about “rest” differently? Is it possible that I am just looking at it in a negative way which is causing me to hate it? What if I changed my relationship with rest? What the fuck even is my relationship with it? It’s obviously not very healthy and at 40 years old, I’m way too old to be hating rest. It’s almost like somehow the little 2-year-old that didn’t like taking naps got stuck in that stage. I suppose I need to grow up and find a new way.
I like to move. I like to get things done. I like to be outside. I like to dance, play, and be goofy. I like to work outside. I like to mow. I like to be with my horses. When these things get taken away from me, it feels like punishment. I spend the whole time angry at myself for whatever I did that made my body need to rest, or trying to figure out how I can get my body on the fast track of healing. Suddenly I am in a tunnel and all I can see is what’s at the end: my normal good feeling self. I get super focused on just getting to the end of the tunnel. All I want is to be out of that stupid tunnel that keeps me from living the life I love. It feels claustrophobic and frustrating.
The truth is, rest disrupts my life - gets in my way. I thrive on my routine. Accomplishment brings me immense satisfaction. I feel valuable. When I am stuck in bed, I feel useless. After a week of it, the useless feeling turns to hopelessness. I wonder if all my worst fears are coming true. My mind starts convincing me that I’ll never get better no matter how hard I try. But I keep trying.
I have been drinking a shitload of lemon water and coconut water and adding magnesium to my daily regime. But I’m still seriously weak. My body hardly even feels like my own anymore. It feels foreign to have zero energy throughout my day. Normal inside activities exhaust me. Maybe this is how it feels to be a zombie.
I really want to embrace rest. I want to see it as an opportunity to repair and refuel my body. I believe it could be a gift from the Universe helping me learn to love my body better.
You know what? If I’m shit honest with myself, I’m afraid: afraid that if I surrender to “rest” I will get stuck forever. Afraid that if I don’t fight tooth and nail, I may never get back to the life I love. I may never get back to “me”.
(Quick Rabbit Hole: I am eating a banana as I type. I attempt to replace lost potassium in my body. Who knows if it helps but ya know, I’ll try just about anything to get better.)
But what is the real me? Am I only my true self when I am feeling great and doing a million things? Or is that just when I feel valued?
Seems like two things keep surfacing here:
I only feel worthy when I am working my ass off.
I have a lot of fears connected to rest.
I don’t want to feel this way. I’m sure I am not doing my body any favors by being filled with anxiety, frustration, and fear.
Today I am starting a new train of thought inside my mind:
Rest is an opportunity. A chance to pause in my life; a reset. The focus is not the circumstance that got me there, it’s “How can I best use this time while I am here?”
My mistakes are another step in my journey that brings me clarity and understanding. They force me to remember my mortality. Too often I rush through life. I miss important, little moments. When things don’t go as I plan, and sometimes end up disastrous, I feel like my world is falling apart. But maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s pulling me back together and connecting me with what’s truly important to me. Hmmm…What is truly important to me?
Living authentically, unashamed and wholehearted
Being a life learner and willing to constantly grow and evolve with each experience
Being an example for my kids so they can grow up and embrace themselves and a life that feels good to them
To pursue my passions and believe that I have something to offer the world
To let go of old ways of thinking that no longer serve me and find new ways that allow me to love myself
My mentor texted me the other day and said, “I’m hoping that you can find a way to flip this into something self-loving and restful that you enjoy while you heal.” Damn, I love her.
So that’s my homework: finding restful things that I can enjoy while I heal.
Before I close, I want to say that I am deeply sorry to you, my precious body. I did not understand the depth of the damage I did to you. I know I super suck at resting, but I am learning to rewrite that story. Thank you for being patient with me. You did a fucking AMAZING job keeping me alive in that dangerous situation. I promise to never put you in danger like that again.
Take the time you need to heal. I am going to trust you. It’s hard, I won’t lie. And yes, I’m still scared. But every day I am learning how to surrender a little bit more.
Perspective and Mindset: Maybe there is an area of your life that is out of your control and feels super frustrating. If so, I invite you to explore a new way of thinking about it. Look at it from a different view.
“It never hurts to try anyways,” or so they say. (Whoever the hell “they” are, I’ll never know.) But what I do know, is you are awesome and worthy and so, so valuable even if you are currently stuck resting like I am. 🙂
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