HFVQ - (Hard, Fucking Vulnerable Questions)
Today is a change up due to fifty-thousand dentist and doctor visits for me and my kids this week. Right now I am sitting at home, drinking my homemade coffee and blogging.
I have been reading “You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For” by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD. I am still in chapter one, (I know, I know), but it’s already changing my life. Please do yourself a favor and buy it right now. You won’t regret it.
Anyway, while reading at a dentist appointment this morning, I came upon these questions and the exercise was to take time to answer them so that’s just what I did. I allowed the scared parts of me to speak up even though the other parts disapproved of their feelings. This is not an easy blog for me to share. I get worried that people will not value my professional work with Freedom For The Taking if they read about my struggles.
But let’s be honest people: We would be lying to say that we never struggled with things. I am not inspired by the people who come across as super professional - as if they have life all figured out. The leaders I love most are those who aren’t afraid to admit that they have fears, jealousy, anger, depression, and insecurities.
So I will continue to choose vulnerability in hopes that I can be an encouragement to someone else - in hopes that others can feel less isolated, less messed up, and less crazy for struggling.
So for whatever it’s worth, here are my legit, real-time answers to these questions from the book.
What feelings and beliefs do you hold inside that you fear - for example, emptiness, unlovability?
I fear that deep down inside I am just a fucked up, selfish person, and one day everyone will see that about me. I don’t like to think about what I want or what I desire or what I wish I had done differently because I am afraid of it hurting the people I love. I am afraid that the things I want are selfish of me. I keep trying to make sense of my life. It always seems to end me in a spot of frustration because I can’t change the past but it also feels almost impossible to change now. It’s weird because I have already changed so much. Do I really need to physically change my life more or is it the mindset that I am trapped in? What cultural/childhood/cultish beliefs am I allowing to continue to rule me? Why am I so terrified that deep in my core, I am just a selfish, horrible person? I feel hatred towards that unsatisfied, screaming-out part of me. I wish it would shut up. I have too much going on in my life to give it a voice - or to give it a choice.
In what ways have you expected your partner to make those feelings disappear?
I am not sure. I know I start feeling bitter when I don’t feel noticed for all the work I do at home and with our children. But I also recognize that for the past 2 years, I have been searching for a different occupation instead of a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom and I haven’t had much luck. I have put a buttload of work into my nonprofit but it’s slow going and apparently, that’s normal. However, I still feel frustrated. I don’t know why, but I feel useless not having a normal paying job. I feel worthless. I feel lazy even though I am always super busy taking care of my family and my farm while doing my entrepreneurial jobs. When Nate sends me money from his paychecks I feel this sick sense of gratitude, as if I am unworthy and he is gracious to share his makings. I hate it. I know I should feel entitled to be paid for everything I do, but I always end up feeling like I am sucking off of him and if Jenna gives me money I feel even more embarrassed because she already doesn’t make a lot of money. I feel guilty when I buy things for myself but I still force myself to do it because I know it’s ridiculous to believe I don’t deserve nice things. How does all this relate to my partners? I think I take my frustration of feeling stuck at home and worthless out on them sometimes. When Jenna or Nate tell me about cool things that happened at work, I feel jealous and angry that I can’t have a life outside of home and kids and then I instantly feel guilty for not being grateful that I have more free time and don’t have the stress of work. It’s a weird combination. I want to be more present for Jenna when she shares about her day at work but part of me shuts down in order to protect myself from feeling sadness that turns into feelings of “I am not valuable enough for anyone to hire and I’ll never have the credentials to be wanted.” This hurts my soul. These feelings feel like hopelessness and a part of me tells me to stop reaching for things because they will always be out of reach for me. I guess I don’t really expect my partners to make these feelings disappear, but it does cause me to distance myself from them in order to not feel those terrible feelings. It’s like a part of me has to go dead inside in order for the other parts of me to be present. It’s this way too when Jenna talks to me about her therapy because I wish I could go to therapy for free. A part of me is so happy that she has that connection and outlet and another part is jealous and angry and then another part is super frustrated at the jealous part and tells it to “fuck off”. I am afraid that it will make Jenna not want to tell me about her therapy or that she will feel like she is doing something wrong. I know it’s all just me but I never know how to deal with the upset part of me so I just keep shoving it away. I suppose distancing myself from my partners and my parts is how I roll when I can’t handle the uncomfortable, confusing, very inconvenient feelings.
When do you rely on the distractions our culture offers, and which of those do you use?
I would say social media is the one I use most.
When I feel overwhelmed with my life I find myself quickly reaching for my phone.
When I feel myself starting to feel things, I grab my phone and just scroll.
When I feel lonely, and lacking connection, I will check the status on all my socials to see if anyone commented or messaged me or check how many views I got. If I get something, it feels like a burst of happiness but it only lasts a second and then I am back searching for more.
I notice that when I am grounded and feel content with what I am doing that day, I am on my phone much less. It’s the days that I am struggling with my self worth that I find myself more addicted to my phone. I hate it. I don’t want to be. I am working to be more aware but sometimes it’s super hard because I don’t like to sit with the scared part of me that feels worthless.
Do you have faith that you could heal the parts of yourself that cause you to have those feelings?
Some days, yes. Some days, no. I tend to run from my feelings. The parts of me that carry immense pain, I am afraid to talk to them alone because I am really scared to “feel” their feelings. I am worried it will swallow me whole and just end up being a waste of time - that there are no answers to help them feel better so they may as well just get over themselves and move on. Oh shit. That sounds like what my mom has done her whole life - just power past her pain instead of acknowledging it and pursuing healing. I don’t want to end up that way. If I can’t feel my pain, I can’t heal my pain. My brain knows this but my body doesn’t believe it. It sucks to have my body detached from my brain. I want to heal. I choose to heal. I am willing to give it a shot.
Well, that’s all folks. That was difficult but I am glad I dug in. This healing thing is scary as shit. It can feel unpredictable. I am not sure where I’ll end up, but I am learning to trust the process.
To all my brave friends out there continuing forward even though you don’t feel very brave, I am truly honored to share this path with you. We can do this. We will do this. We are doing this.
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