Happy Halloween!!!
The day I am writing this is Halloween - if you haven’t guessed. I rode my unicycle 3 miles to our local coffee shop this morning - in full clown makeup.
This morning Jennifer dressed up and left for work looking like the cutest cowgirl I ain’t never seen. Tanaya dressed up as the “MadHatter”, and Avriella as “Rosie the Riveter” Then they drove their adorable selves off to school. Nate was dressed as himself. Shocker. After a big hug, he too left for work.
There I was alone. After such a tizzy and busy bustle of outfits and makeup, suddenly my world felt too quiet. I headed off to care for our ranch and all the animals. I love caring for our animals, but I couldn’t shake the sad feeling. The feeling that I had no one to dress up for. No one to have fun with.
After chores and a shower, I noticed Jenna had texted me. She suggested that I dress like a clown for my bike into town. I laughed at the idea but then couldn’t think of what clothes would be funny but also practical enough to cycle in. But then I allowed my mind to wander and I remembered that I had a unicycle! I instantly got excited inside. What a great time to be a clown on a unicycle!
I don’t think Ash Grove knows what to do with silliness - especially an adult daring to be silly. I was disappointed at the lack of response or surprise. Everyone just plays it cool or acts like they didn’t just drive past a clown on a unicycle. I mean, as far as I know, I am the only one around here riding a unicycle - but I can’t be sure. Maybe they all have unicycles and they are secretly riding circles in their closed garage. Maybe they have a secret unicycle club that I don’t know about and they meet at midnight to troll the town.
Maybe. But also maybe not. Anyway, I digress.
After I got over my disappointment, I realized that it wasn’t important for other people to notice me. The valuable thing was that I was showing up for myself and having fun just for the hell of it.
As I cycled those 3 long miles, I found myself making up jokes and laughing out loud. I felt happy. Just me, by myself, being silly and telling myself stupid jokes.
I asked myself, “Is this enough? Is it enough to do something just for me even if no one else appreciates it?” I decided the answer was yes. Because if I am waiting around for someone else to give me permission, I might be waiting my whole life. If I am waiting on Ash Grove to extend a clown invitation to me, well I may as well go dig my grave now.
I have one life. One silly, silly life. Why would I waste it being serious? Life is already so serious. Too serious. It’s also hard. And there are some days we have to do some really difficult things.
Like yesterday. I wrote up a statement to be read in court at my dad’s hearing for possible parole.
It sucked. Like hell. The trauma filled my body. I didn’t want to even think about it much less to try and explain to the court why my dad should never be allowed parole. But I did it. Because it is important to me to protect my family. To use my voice. To speak my truth.
So yeah. Today, today I needed to be a clown. I needed to find a way to see something more than a hurting human when I looked into the mirror. Even if it’s just for a day. Just a day to be a silly clown.
Because life is painful.
Those people driving past me on the road today. They don’t know. They don’t know what my day was like yesterday. They don’t know the weight this clown carries is so much more than the yellow backpack I wear. They have no clue about the choices I have made to protect my family, my peace, and my life. The things I have lost along the way - they don’t know.
And so I am reminded once again, to never judge a book by its cover, or a clown by its make-up. There is a real person under all that, just trying their best to survive. Who knows what hellish hardship they navigate in their daily life?
To all my clowns out there, I see you. I see you trying to keep your head above water. Maybe you don’t ride a unicycle, but maybe you find other ways to keep joy and silliness in your life. If so, I am DAMN proud of you. And if you want to but you struggle to find the creativity, I encourage you to have more curiosity and less judgment for yourself. You will find your silly. You need it. We all need it to stay alive amidst the shit.
And if you just feel stuck as hell, reach out to me. I am always full of silly ideas. Jenna is too - but most of her silly ideas are for me, not for her. LOL! #shesstillcomingoutofhershell
Alright. I better get back to my clowning.
Before I go I just want to share one more important thing:
“If you find yourself feeling like you have a hard life, just be grateful you aren’t a tire. They are ALWAYS under pressure.”
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