Failing at Parenting 70% of the Time
This mom thing is hard. Fucking hard. Many books have been written in an attempt to give us tools for this bizarre journey of raising live humans; but none of them can ever give us all the answers. Sure they can be helpful and provide us with tools, but nobody has it all figured out.
No book can be there late at night to hold you as you hurt for your kids. I think it is by far the most painful thing when my kids struggle and there is only so much I can do. My son is 17 and I cannot just snuggle him to make it better. He is his own person, exploring life, fumbling a bit to find himself, and trying to make his own path. Yet, sometimes when we talk I can see the little boy inside. He leans down from 6 feet, lays his head on my shoulder and melts in my arms as I tell him life is just hard at this age and it won’t always feel this way. “How can I know mom?” he whispers. And my heart breaks.
I remember feeling like my world was falling apart when I was 16 and wondering how I could ever feel okay again. My boyfriend of 8 years moved away to a different state and because of the cult I lived in, I knew I would never be able to see him again. My parents didn’t even know my heart had been broken. I didn’t have that kind of relationship with them. So I ran to the woods, my safe place, and released my emotions and pain into the sky hoping some higher being could somehow make me feel better.
I don’t think my mom knew she was joining a cult and putting her kids in extreme danger. She was starving for belonging. She was desperate for meaning and wanted to live a fulfilling life. Looking back, I now see she didn’t have that in her marriage and she had never known or been told to look inside herself for the answers. Being Christian didn’t do her any favors. It made her easy prey to the people who were looking for “followers”. She was a damn good follower. She gave up her whole life to invest it in the “so called church”. She gave up everything; including her own kids. I don’t think she had any clue the consequences of this choice. She was love bombed, (see my podcast “Why do people join cults?”) lied to, and then trapped. It all went downhill from there.
My dad, he had different reasons; some of which I’ll never know or understand. He followed what my mom wanted because he didn’t want to lose his family; but not because he loved his family. No. He loved himself and used his family. He is a fucker and will spend the next 10 years and probably die in prison. He made his bed and now he has to lie in it.
I don’t feel sad for my dad. He knew what he was doing. But I do feel sad for my mom. She spent most of her life being brainwashed and I don’t think she will ever be free to find herself or learn who she is apart from what she was taught to believe. It breaks my heart. I miss my mom. I miss laughing with her. I cannot let her around my kids though because she is stuck in unreality and that’s a dangerous place to be in. I have laid clear boundaries and I am not willing to bend them. I will always love her and I continue to miss her. She’s not a bad person. I know she is hurting too and it must be so hard for her to know that her kids are also hurting. Life just sucks sometimes and things don’t usually turn out like the fairy tales. People can rebuild their life and find fulfillment and happiness, but the pain of the past will always be there. Nobody just lives happily ever after.
It feels like I try so, so hard, but things fall apart anyways. I have been parenting for 17 years and I still feel lost. I used to picture how my kids would turn out when they were young. But the truth is, they are living beings with their own mind, their own desires and their own dreams. I cannot control nor should I ever try to control who they are. I parent WAY different now in the past 2 years then I did the whole first 15 years. Letting go of religion also meant letting go of raising “good kids” and learning to allow them to have space to explore. I know I have to let them make mistakes and choose the path they want to take, but it’s just damn hard to not instill my own opinion. I am trying really hard to prepare them for the realities of life but not do it with shaming/blaming or judgement.
I am asking myself as I read back over what I’ve written so far, “Why do I feel like things are falling apart?” Maybe it would be more truthful to say that when things feel out of my control, it feels like it’s falling apart. At age 17, my son doesn’t need me to control him but he does still need me. He needs me to keep showing up and walking beside him no matter what. He needs safe arms to fall into when he is overwhelmed and doesn’t even understand himself. I believe with all my heart that deep inside that strong chest of his, he will find the answers; he will find his way; he will find his voice.
I want all of my kids to flourish and live crazy, amazing lives crammed full of happiness. I know I cannot protect them from all the pain that life brings and already has brought them. I know I cannot make a path for them. So everyday I do my best to guide them and love them no matter what; which seems pretty simple, right? But holy hell. Most days I am yelling, frustrated, crying, shaming, and a lot of other things I am not proud of. I feel like a failure most of the time.
Turns out, this is true. I recently heard on an interview Glennon Doyle had with Dr. Galit Atlas, it’s been proven through different test that as parents, we only get it “right” 30% of the time.Yes love, you read that right. 30% of the time. The other 70% we spend getting it wrong. However, it’s not the getting it right that matters. Apparently the bonding happens when we “repair” all of the ruptures we make. That is when the child bonds and learns to trust us. Being able to go back and repair is the most important thing in parenting. This is such GOOD NEWS, cause god I get it wrong a lot, but I do work hard to go back and repair and learn how to be better when I see where I screwed up.
I am so grateful that my kids are still with me I have many opportunities to “repair”. I hope with all my heart that as my kids grow up and move away, I will always be open to hearing where I screwed up and seize the gift of being able to own my mistakes.
I won’t lie. Some days I dream of when my kids have moved away and I won’t have to navigate all their feelings and needs on a constant basis. It’s just exhausting. When my partners tell me that my kids will survive this stage of life, I usually throw them a zombie look and ask “But will I?”
Hey moms out there. I got ya. I feel you. You’re doing amazing. At some point today, maybe in between all the care and love you give your kids, you can take a moment to hug yourself. This job is serious shit and will abso-fucking-lutely kick your ass.
As I sign off today, I want to acknowledge my mom for a moment. She raised 9 kids. Yes, she made a lot of mistakes and some of those mistakes brought excruciating pain to her kids, but I also don’t believe that at that time, she knew the damage she was causing. She didn’t know she could listen to her gut. I have to move on in life with strong boundaries and I don’t honestly know when I will see my mom again. This is hard. My mom gave me my love for horses. She gave me my passion for life. She gave me my loud laugh. Tears fall. My hope is that someday my mom can dig deep enough to get the healing she deserves. I will always love her.
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