“Escaping the Zoo”
I’m sitting next to the window at my favorite coffee shop, soaking in the warm rays of the sun as I blog. It was another cold ride into town today. I’m grateful for a warm place to type!
The sounds of the passing traffic fill the silence of this quiet coffee shop. I feel a sense of melancholy. Not sure what that is all about.
There are plenty of things that annoy me but one of my biggest annoyances is when I don’t understand my feelings. Sometimes I can’t figure out why something is bothering me and then I become harsh with myself for having such big feelings that don’t make sense. For me, if it isn’t properly justified, then it’s stupid and I need to just stop - except it’s impossible to just “stop” having feelings.
I am trying to get to a place where I allow myself to feel whatever I feel. I am tempted to immediately either push it down or try and decipher its meaning. If I don’t succeed at either of those things then I resort to beating myself up for the ridiculous mess that I’ve made. It feels like a mess to me because if I cannot adequately explain my feelings to my partners then I feel bad, oversensitive, and overreactive.
Somewhere along the line, I learned that I had to have a damn good reason if I was going to have big feelings and that I better have a powerful case to prove it. My mind instantly goes back to all the village talks that I was in where I had to bring my part of the story to the table and then be judged and told where I was wrong and what I needed to change. In every one of those meetings that I went to, I was terrified. My stomach would be in knots and my body wanted to run away. But I didn’t. Time after time after time, I kept showing up because I wanted to do the right thing. I didn’t know that I should listen to my own body.
It takes a lot of guts to leave something that has been your whole world and embark on a journey that is the complete opposite of everything you’ve always known. But I’ve had enough of the old shit. I am ready to learn a new way to live.
Allowing myself to have big feelings and not apologize for how I feel is crazy hard for me. I have decided that it’s worth it though. I deserve to feel however I feel. The end. No need for an explanation unless I just really want to.
Another thing I struggle with is being my own person. I know that probably sounds weird, but I have realized that if I feel a certain way and my partner does not feel that way, then I assume that something is wrong with me. This sets me up for continual failure because, in so many ways, I am the opposite of my partners. I love exercising, going out into nature by myself, being in the limelight, doing silly things, and having the freedom to go on solo adventures. None of these things describe Nate or Jennifer.
It’s been difficult for me to learn that I am not a bad person just because I have different needs. I think that growing up in the community and being taught that unity is the most important thing really fucked me up. I suppose if you are trying to find a way to control a large group of people, brainwashing them to all believe, think, and feel the same way would be the way to do it.
Anyway, there is always more to unpack - more to unlearn - and more to let go of. Most likely, this is true for most of us who are seeking healing and growth in our lives. We all have places where we get stuck in our brains, and beliefs that need to be debunked. It’s hard work - sometimes agonizing - sometimes confusing - but in the end, it’s ALWAYS liberating.
This is why I keep going. This is why I continue to choose growth. This is why I refuse to just stay with what feels comfortable to me. Even though it can be scary as hell to learn a new way, I have repeatedly experienced the absolute glory of liberation. There is nothing like it. It feels a-fucking-mazing.
Freedom is my pursuit. Liberation is my drug of choice. I will keep coming back for it. I am most certainly, one hundred percent, addicted to it - and I am not one bit sorry. I’ve lived in the zoo. I was lied to every day, told that I was the luckiest person on earth because I got to grow up in this “special” environment. The lies worked. I stayed there for 26 years without ever knowing that I was trapped in a tiny cage. Then one day the pain of the truth slapped me into reality. Once I saw the bars, I could never “unsee” them. It was clear what I had to do.
I wish that I could say that I made a break for it and never looked back, but escaping 26 years of your life doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a lifetime of escaping. There is a lot to get away from and sometimes I swear it chases me down and tries to drag me back. Sometimes it’s two steps forward and four drags back.
Have you ever watched those nature documentaries where the predator is chasing down the prey? I am always astonished at how hard the prey animals fight for their lives and how often they get away even when it looks hopeless. In the face of incredible odds, the prey continues to fight back. They never surrender, give up, or quit believing that their lives matter. They are my heroes. Every time I watch one of these scenes, I am reminded that keeping our freedom takes a buttload of work and sometimes every ounce of energy we have. It certainly isn’t for the wimps. But living wild, roaming the plains, and choosing myself is undeniably delicious.
Whether it’s power-hungry people or negative messages that tell me I should not feel the way I feel, one thing is for certain: This zebra won’t be surrendering her freedom anymore. So I’ll keep biking, and I’ll keep typing, and I’ll keep fighting the lies in my head. One mile at a time - one word at a time - and one truth at a time.
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