Don't Give Your Power To A Librarian (or anyone else)
Hey friends. My bum is finally beginning to thaw. It was quite the winter ride this morning! The temperature was 23 degrees with a wind chill of 14 and of course, I was biking straight into the wind. Brrr!! I was fully prepared though thanks to my heated gloves, heated socks, and a buttload of layers from head to toe.
I am grateful that I have the gear to continue my passion throughout the year no matter what the weather is. Having such supportive partners and kids who value my love for exercise and health has been an important part of my healing. I am incredibly lucky to have such an awesome family!
Today I chose to blog in a library. I have ridden to this library before to blog and I figured it would be better than doing 20 miles and risking my winter gear batteries running out. Nate agreed to bring me hot coffee so it felt like a win/win!
However… a librarian just now came over and told me that they have a bike rack outside if I prefer to put my bike outside. I told her that I did not have a chain and that my bike was very expensive. Showing zero care, she responded that next time I need to bring a chain and leave it outside so that it doesn’t block the books. I asked her if moving the bike right next to my chair would be better so it’s not in anyone’s way but she just said no and that it needs to be outside next time. Wow. Just wow. (Bear in mind that this is a small town and there is barely anyone in this library. I am tucked in a corner behind a shelf of books not bothering anyone.) I have never been told to leave my bike outside. I have gone into stores, coffee shops, restaurants, gas stations, and several different libraries, and no one has ever felt the need to ask me to leave my bike outside. WTF.
It makes me feel unwanted. I hate feeling unwanted.
Last night my daughter was telling me how some kids at school say stupid comments like, “Don’t show her, she’s too young.” when they are showing each other things on their phones. It makes my daughter feel angry and hurt. She doesn’t care so much about seeing what they are talking about because she knows that most of the time it’s stupid and immature, but the comments they say are still hurtful. I think they assume she’s younger because she doesn’t have a phone.
Nate and I work hard to be proactive, especially when it comes to protecting the safety of our children. Our youngest doesn’t have her own phone and neither of our girls are on social media. This decision has caused some frustration for my girls and they often feel left out. They often lament how no one knows how to have a conversation with them because they are all stuck on their phone. It makes me sad for my girls and also sad for the other kids who are missing out on life. I don’t blame the kids though; I blame the parents. Kids follow the examples set for them and will only rise to the level they have been given.
I wish I could give my daughter a magic solution. I could tell that even though she knows the truth and why we don’t allow our children on social media, she still yearns to belong.
Of course, she does.
We all do.
Brene Brown says that she was shocked to learn in her research that the opposite of belonging, is fitting in. The past few years I have been doing a lot of healing and learning what it could possibly mean to belong to myself. In Brene’s books and interviews, the idea always sounds refreshing and enticing but applying it, believing it, and living it was a whole other thing. I’m still learning what it means to belong to myself. Some days I feel proud of staying true to what I feel inside and other days I find myself responding in a way that I think others want me to. I hate the feeling of letting myself down.
After 6 years of a painful journey to find my way to my true self, I am finally at a place where the only thing worse than feeling unwanted by others, is feeling unwanted by me.
I used to strive so hard to do “all the things” for “all the people.” I put every ounce of energy into pleasing others because I was told that was how I pleased God. Weirdly enough, the harder I tried, the more insecure I got. It became a vicious cycle of never feeling good enough but continuing to give more. Eventually, I was a shell. All my friends and family thought they knew exactly who I was, but they didn’t. I didn’t even know who I was.
Sometimes things happen in our lives that force us to face some shitty realities. And though I would NEVER wish it on anyone, for my family, the painful truth coming out was what helped Nate and I completely change our lives. For the first time ever, I looked inside and asked myself, “What if you mattered?”
The journey to valuing myself has been arduous, heart-wrenching, and scary as hell but I would not, for one moment, ever go back to the old way. The feeling of self-acceptance far outweighs the acceptance of others. I’ve learned that I cannot and should not try and control others. I’ve also learned that if some people don’t see my value then they aren’t my people.
Life is too precious and too damn short to waste on fitting in. If we belong to ourselves then we can go anywhere and be around anyone and not feel the desperate need to feel seen. Being able to give ourselves the love that we crave is fucking freedom - and feels damn good.
Our value is not up for debate. We get to decide what our worth is. This is what I hope to impart to my daughter. I can tell her till I’m blue in the face that she’s cool as shit and the most amazing human in this world, and even though I believe that about her, it won’t be my words of encouragement that help her. Her freedom will come when she believes it herself. When she sees her value can’t be measured by how others treat her, that’s when she will find her power.
The work of learning to love myself has been a process - and honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be at a place where I will just never struggle with it again. I do know that I am slowly getting better at it while also learning to be understanding when I digress to my old habits.
Life can be hard, and healing can be exhausting. I hope that you have people in your corner, supporting, and celebrating you. You fucking deserve that.
But even more than that…
I hope you do that for yourself. I hope you look in the mirror and see the incredible person looking back at you. That person, that one, needs you more than anyone else in the world. They deserve to be your priority. They should get first dibs on your energy. They, that beautiful human in the mirror, are committed to sticking with you, no matter what, for as long as you live. If that doesn’t deserve celebrating, then I don’t know what does.
I will be leaving the library soon and I don’t reckon I will come back to this one, at least not with my bike. It’s hard to imagine having a desire to come back to a place where I felt unwanted. However, after blogging about it, I feel less angry. I am reminded that it’s not the librarians who hold the power of my value. It’s me. Wild, winter-cycling Jillayne, the box-breaking, brain-breaking, badass who gets to decide if gem belongs. And last time I checked, anywhere Jillayne goes, there gem belongs. People may have the authority to kick me out of their building, but never again, and I mean never, will anyone ever kick me out of myself.
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