Does The Turtle Really Need Help?
Instead of saying I got terribly confused and lost, twice, on my bike ride in, let’s just say I took the scenic route 🙂. So much that an 18-mile ride became a 29 ½ mile ride.
Yep. That’s me. Thank god for my lack of direction because I got in a serious workout today 😎.
Along my way, I came upon 2 turtles several feet from each other, both crossing the road at the same time. Suddenly, I noticed an SUV was coming up behind me. For a moment I panicked. I could foresee the vehicle going around me but accidentally running over the turtles right ahead of me. I quickly pulled off the side of the road and waited for it to pass so that it would also have time to go around the turtles. My plan worked and I breathed a sigh of relief as I saw the reptiles emerge back from their shell and start the (if you can call it) “rush” to the other side.
I have been known for stopping during my runs, bike rides, and even car rides to help turtles cross the road. Today though, a very different thought popped into my head that stopped me. “What if it was an important growth and learning opportunity for turtles that we keep taking away from them in our effort to ‘save them’? What if this was part of the animals learning to evolve and navigate their changing environment?”
Now before you jump into judging me as a heartless turtle killing human, please keep in mind that I am in no way suggesting that it’s the turtle's fault for making bad calls as to when they should cross. I know that it is humans who put roads inside their territory thereby creating a dangerous and potentially harmful situation. So yes, we are definitely responsible.
But I can’t help but wonder if we truly do nature as much favors as we think when we intervene.
Recently I read an article stating that turtles live their whole life within a one-mile radius. And while one mile seems so tiny to us, I can only imagine that for a turtle, well it’s probably plenty of space to range and spend its life exploring. The article pleaded with people to stop bringing turtles home that they pick up off the road. Many people bring them home for their kids to see and then together they “release” them in what they deem a much safer environment, away from the busy road. What they don’t know is, the turtle then spends the rest of its life wandering around trying to find its home until it dies. Yep.
Okay. Wow. This blog really took a dark turn. I promise it was not my goal today to depress you. So why all this disturbing turtle talk…?
Well, tomorrow my son graduates high school. It’s been eleven LONG years of home school and one seemingly unending year of public school as a senior. Recently I have been doing a lot of reflecting on how we have raised our son. Suddenly it feels like all the years are closing in and the time with our son at home with us is quickly coming to an end. This August he is off to college at Illinois Wesleyan University. The two questions that keep circling in my mind are “Did we do enough?” and “Did we do too much?” I know. Pretty ambiguous questions but still, I struggle and hope that we got it “enough right” for my son to be able to go confidently adult on his own.
Yesterday I started an audiobook called “How To Raise An Adult- Break Free from the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success.” by Julie Lythcott-Haims. I’m only into chapter 3 and my mind has already been blown several times. She talks a lot about the issue of parents in this day and age doing way too much for their kids that end up “disempowering” them. She discusses how it’s important to let our kids struggle and figure things out. It makes sense. But as a parent, it’s damn hard to watch your kid struggle and not try and save the day constantly or want to shield them from consequences and discomfort.
How does this tie into turtles? Well, sometimes I worry about how my son will be able to manage himself in college almost 7 hours from me. He sleeps through all 3 of his different and very LOUD alarms; he doesn’t give himself enough time to pack food for his day; he forgets important items; he forgets to care for his body; his bedroom looks like he lives in an active volcano; his laundry piles up until nobody knows what is clean and what is dirty; and sometimes he’s so tired he randomly falls asleep anywhere in the house. Of course, I worry. I also must admit that I am guilty of “over-managing” him in an attempt to keep him from suffering life’s consequences.
Now I am in no way saying that he should get run over by a car if he doesn’t manage his time well. And the more I type the more I realize maybe my turtle analogy wasn’t the best segway into talking about my son… although he is REALLY slow in the morning so maybe that’s the turtle connection, LOL! 🤣. But what I did see in watching the turtles cross the road was this simple fact: They succeeded! Without my help or interference, those brave little dudes got safely to the other side and onto their next adventure.
It’s time. Time for me to let go and trust. Trust that my son is fully capable because deep inside I know he is. The truth is that he got into college because HE was the one who did all the research and sent in all the applications. He is amazing in the most important ways. He’s gonna be fine. He will figure all the other things out. He doesn’t need his mom to protect him from life’s lessons. He will learn when and when not to cross the road.
Is life risky? Yes. If we are not willing to take risks, then we aren’t willing to really “live”. Although I am freaking excited for my son, it also feels so scary when I think about him moving away and making his own life. I won’t be there to make sure he has eaten; I won’t be there to hug him when he feels overwhelmed with life. Tears fall and a sudden huge lump in my throat comes as I type this. If you are a parent, you get this. It’s hard to let go because the thought of our kids suffering and we won’t be there to fix it feels unbearable. But I have to remind myself that life is about the mixed experiences of pain and joy. I have survived some very painful things, and honestly so have my children.
As my kids venture into adulthood, they will have many more life experiences, some amazing, some heartbreaking. My hope is that through it all, they will continue to learn, evolve, feel empowered to be themselves, and confidently shine their light wherever they are.
Tomorrow my son will cross the stage and get his diploma. And no I won’t be up there making sure he crosses safely but yes I will be screaming in celebration the loudest.
I used to think it was most important for my kids to know how proud of them I was, but now what I want most, is for my kids to be proud of themselves. That is what will truly get them where they want to be in life. That sense of self-pride and accomplishment; and they can’t really have that if I keep picking them up and carrying them across the road.
To all my fellow friends out there who love their kids fiercely and can relate to the struggle of turning in our “Road Guard” vests. I feel you. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow as many kids will be walking across that stage and into the next stage of life.
We were never meant to stay in one season of life. And though this letting go feels so hard, I have a hunch that it’s also going to feel so good. Did I make mistakes? Hell yes. Do I regret things? Hell yes. Did I love my son the very best I knew how? Hell yes. And I plan to keep learning how to love him better and in a new way as he moves into adulthood. And that’s what I think matters most.
I love you all. I also love turtles.
*Special thanks to the two daring turtles today who inspired this blog but more importantly they helped me see some areas I need to grow in as a mom. I am forever grateful to nature and the everyday lessons it brings me.
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