Death Sucks
This morning it was 22 degrees with 18mph winds, making it feel like 11 degrees.
I bundled up like no one’s business and headed out into the wintery morning. I only did 8 miles today. It ended up being a good decision. The bitter wind tore right through my insulated snow pants and windbreaker jacket. In an effort to stay warm, I rode the route as fast as I could. It wasn’t the most enjoyable ride but let me tell you…the hot shower afterward felt AMAZING.
Why do I do these crazy things?
Sometimes I’m not even sure myself. When it’s not great weather, I find myself complaining about it, as if someone is making me do it. It’s ridiculous.
But I keep at it because an adventurous feeling surges into me once I am out on
the road; I always feel happy to be outside.
Sometimes, that’s the best way I can find my happy - and today, I could use some happy.
Yesterday, a car in front of our house hit my youngest daughter's cat, Fiona. The cat only made it halfway up the driveway before she died. Her body was still warm when we found her. Her collar was in the middle of the road.
This is my daughter’s second cat. The first kitten we got died within the first year due to some mysterious disease. Nate and I eventually found a pair of kittens, a brother and sister, to bring home together in hopes of better luck. Right off the bat, we spent a lot of money to take them to a vet for all their vaccinations and care to avoid another loss to sickness. As Fiona grew up, we had some pretty big scares where Fiona was gone for a while and we thought she must have gotten eaten by a coyote, but then she would return. We bought her a collar with all our info since she loved roaming.
The last two years have been a bit stressful because Nate and I knew that no matter how hard we tried, we would not be able to guarantee our little girl would not have to experience loss again.
You see, experiencing loss myself, (and I have definitely had my fair share of it), can be absolutely painful. But witnessing my kids experience loss, that’s a whole new hell that feels like someone is yanking my heart out of my body.
My youngest is twelve years old. The things she has already had to live through are things that no child should have to endure. Losing her cats on top of all the other shitty trauma she has experienced feels like too much - like a cruel joke from the universe. Right now I’m fucking angry at life for taking her precious cats away.
I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe someone is up in the sky making decisions on who dies and who goes to hell. I think that’s fucking ridiculous.
Honestly, I don’t really know what I believe. Maybe life just sucks sometimes. Why is it always my daughter’s cats that die?
Why can’t she just have something she loves, and have it for a long time?
Yes, life sucks, but for god’s sake, can’t my little girl get a break?
I have a lot of questions. I am angry. I am hurting for my child. I can’t stand to see her heart breaking over and over again. I wish I could protect her from the pain of loss - at least while she is a child.
We can plan, have a fallback, and put a strategy in place for success, but none of that can stop the unpredictable shit life throws our way. Nothing can prepare us for the heartbreak. There is no bulletproof vest to protect us from the unfair pain that blasts its way into our lives.
I don’t usually consider myself a control freak, but experiences like this unveil my unhealthy desire to control everything. Can you blame me though? I’m just so tired of my children suffering.
My brother called me on the phone today. Out of eight siblings, only two of them are involved in the lives of my precious family - and for good reason. I come from dangerous, toxic parents, who raised me in a religious cult. After spending most of my life in an extremely unhealthy dynamic, I finally found my freedom and learned about boundaries. It cost my kids a lot. They suffered some serious trauma in the meantime. Nate and I learned our lesson the very hard way and now we are extremely cautious and selective about who we allow in our lives. I have a brother and a sister who have been deeply respectful and understanding and have remained a safe place for me and my kids. I am incredibly grateful for them. When my daughter’s cat died, I text them both. I knew they would be supportive and compassionate. They both love my kids so much.
My brother was sobbing. He was heartbroken over the news. Being an animal lover himself, he knows what it feels like to lose a best friend like that. His tears gave me permission to grieve and we cried together. It was healing for me. One thing he told me that really helped was this: “Don’t quit Abigail. I know life is going to continue to throw curveballs but no matter what, just don’t quit. Keep loving your kids the way you do and keep doing all the things you are doing. I know that they feel loved and cared for and that is what matters most.”
His words sunk into my soul. I hadn’t realized that hopelessness had already started to find its way into my body. He is right. What matters most is that I keep loving my kids the very best I can. I want so bad to protect them from all the pain, but that’s not possible - nor is it what my kids need most from me.
Thank you bro. I needed that.
I will go forward and continue to give my whole heart to the things that still remain in my control - the love and care I give my kids.
This is what I have to give.
In painful moments of grief, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough…but it is.
I know it is.
I can feel it in my body when my brother reminds me of this.
It feels right.It settles my heart.
It brings me peace.
This blog will post on Christmas Eve. I hope this holiday season is filled with joy, love, and unfiltered delight - but if it’s not, I feel your pain. This Christmas will be mixed with some grieving for my little girl’s loss and a reminder that to love and be loved is taking the risk of experiencing deep pain.
We never know how long we have the ones we love. If you get anything at all from this blog post, I hope it reminds you to go hug your loved ones, furry friends and all.
Life is precious and death is painful. Let’s keep on keeping on. Today, I am grateful for each of you who are reading this. You are a beautiful human and I am honored to be a small part of your life, even if it is the small connection of reading my blog.
Sending each on you a huge hug. Life is hard but you keep showing up. If that isn’t cool as shit, I don’t know what is.
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