"Dear Triggered Me"
Dear Triggered Me,
You have survived a lot of shit. You have somehow managed to stay alive amidst some very traumatic situations. These situations were not just several events. It was years. 30 years to be exact. 30 years of submitting to the power of others. 30 years of extreme guilt heaped on you daily. 30 years of putting your trust in others, and your only reward was deception, lies, and devastating pain to you and your family. You invested everything; your whole life, your marriage, your kids, your beliefs, and every cell of your body was committed to this way of life that you were taught.
You didn’t know any better, honey. How could have you? You lived that life with all of your heart to the very best that you could. Community life was hard as shit and it forced you to constantly abandon yourself but you were told it was God’s best for you. You wanted to please God SO bad. Every day you felt like you were failing and falling short. Of course, you did. That’s what the supposed “Good Book” says, but now I wonder what kind of book this can be to call people sinners from birth, claim that everyone’s heart is deceitful, and preach that we will never be good enough. Doesn’t sound much like a “good book” to me.
No one will ever be able to wrap their mind around what it was like for you growing up in that toxic, religious community. But I understand. I remember. I will never forget all the tears you cried in agony. I will never forget the horrible feeling in your gut that you had on a daily basis as you did your best to navigate some horrific situations. You put all of your heart and soul into loving all the people in your life amidst being constantly shamed and controlled. They tried to break your spirit and they did a damn good job.
But one thing they could not break was your love for humans. Somehow my darling, here you are, still looking for ways to reach out to people and help them. It’s because you care. It’s who you are. It’s why you started Freedom For The Taking. It was not enough for you to take your own freedom and build a new life for yourself and your family. You want to share this gift with the whole world. And that’s fucking amazing. I would totally understand if you spent the rest of your life safely tucked away from the world but instead, you keep looking for ways to spread hope, love, and freedom.
Growing up in a cult has lasting effects and I see you battle it every day. You get triggered on a daily basis. You work endlessly to navigate all the negative messaging. The amount of doubt and shame is immense. It shows up in everything.
Parenting is one of the hardest. I see you struggling to be the parent that you wish you would have had. You are terrified of being like your mom. You try with all of your heart to offer something better for your kids. Some days you end in a puddle of tears and pain. A simple question or comment from one of your kids can make you feel so much doubt and shame even though they never meant it that way. It’s called being triggered. In those moments, it’s like the floodgates open and you are overwhelmed with the fear that maybe you are just a huge failure and you are fucking it all up. You feel hopeless. You feel defeated. You feel shame.
Being triggered sucks. It feels like all those messages screaming in your head are true and there is no way around it. You want to run. You want to run and never stop. Your head swirls in confusion. It consumes you. It feels so scary.
I know you struggle with the temptation to just go back to “how things were before”. Embracing who you are, choosing nonmonogamy, and sending your kids to public school have been HUGE changes. Even though they have been really good changes, there’s still a lot to adjust to and these changes bring new challenges.
These challenges can easily trigger you and make you wonder if you made the right decisions. Sometimes it all feels like too much to navigate. Your heart gets tired. Your body is always on alert and anything that feels even remotely close to your past experience sends you into instant panic. And as if this wasn’t already enough to handle, you also simultaneously begin to hate on yourself for having such strong feelings. It’s like being beaten up from all sides.
Today I want to help alleviate some of this pain if I can. I cannot take away your triggers. I don’t know if you will ever be trigger-free. I don’t imagine that’s really possible given all the years of trauma you were put through. What I can do though, is tell you this: It makes total sense to me why certain things trigger you so badly. I was there. I saw you. You were a beautiful soul with an incredibly sensitive and loving heart that was being taken advantage of. And I see you now struggling and wishing it would all just go away. But those past experiences have been stored in your body in order to hopefully protect you from ending up in situations like that ever again. Please don’t hate on yourself, darling. It’s okay that you get triggered. It’s not your fault. You never chose to be raised in a cult. I’m also pretty sure that your mom didn’t have a clue of the damage she was doing to her kids by joining nor will she probably ever face the harsh reality of her choices. This is just another added aspect to your pain that you are learning to accept. It makes it so much more complicated.
My point is, trauma sucks and there is no way for you to not be triggered. Please remember how far you have come. Sometimes you see a more healed version of yourself in your future and it makes you frustrated with your current self. But this isn’t fair to you. You don’t deserve to be beaten down for struggling. You have a really good reason to have such a sensitive alarm system. Instead of hating that part of you, maybe you can start thanking it. It’s a warning system. It doesn’t mean that you need to abandon ship right away. It’s just saying that something doesn’t feel right and you need to speak up.
I know it’s hard to speak up. You feel embarrassed. You feel like you are the only one with these stupid fears or struggles. Your internal messaging tells you that you’re a selfish bitch. It feels like a war in your head but no matter how much you try and shove it away, your body will not be silenced. The best thing you can do is talk. Talk about all of it. If people think you are a selfish bitch, well then those aren’t your people. Period.
You get to have a say. This is your life and you have every right to want it to feel good to you.
Your alarm system can’t give you the answers. Its job is to warn you of possible danger. You have to investigate and advocate for yourself.
Life is risky not to mention filled with unpredictable pain. It is also a beautiful opportunity to experience love, joy, and healing. It can feel like quite the balancing act but I think you are doing an incredible job making a new life for yourself and your family.
As a part of you, I want you to know that I love you. I will always love you. Trigger or no trigger. I am not looking for you to hurry up and heal. I am just so fucking proud of you for continuing to show up every day. You are the strongest person I know … and I know a lot of people. ;)
Forever hugging you,
Love,
The Compassionate Part of You
Comments