Dear Scared Part of Myself
It was a cold ride in today.
34 degrees and 11 mile an hour winds. The air grew foggier the farther I rode. Being so bundled up meant my vision was impaired and I could only really focus on the road right in front of me. It was kinda scary when I rode through the areas with heavy traffic but I just hoped that everyone was paying attention. My goal today was just to make it to the coffee shop. I won’t be putting in a lot of miles over the winter but I’m gonna do my best to keep up my bike-to-type commitment :).
Next year I will be 40. I am starting a new business and stepping into a new space. It’s fucking scary and I constantly doubt myself. I wish I felt more confident. I wish I felt more capable.
There is a question I have been thinking about. “What will it take for me to feel valuable, worthy, capable and confident?” My kids and my partners constantly encourage me and cheer me on. I have a couple very supportive friends who always have my back. People from social media have reached out and told me how much they love my podcasts. Most people that I have talked to about my business seem to love the idea and think that I have something to offer. But somehow, I still wake up everyday and doubt myself.
For some reason, a part of me is desperately pleading for me to not take the risk of following my passion. Is it just afraid of failure or is it something deeper? This pricks at a heart string. If I stop and listen for a moment I can hear what it’s saying; “You don’t belong in this space. You aren’t worthy of helping others. You don’t have what it takes. You aren’t smart enough, or good enough and no one is gonna waste their time or money on you.” Ouch. These messages feel like a huge weight forcing me to a fetal position. Why do I say these things to myself? Where does it stem from? What caused me to go into such protective mode that I would self sabotage in order to stop myself?
I think it’s a combination of so many things. Being home schooled always made me feel a bit stupid. Especially since my mom quit schooling me when I was 14. I never went to college but I also never wanted to. I don’t like sitting for long periods of time and I learn much better with hands on stuff. But that leaves me feeling behind everyone because I have no degree. It’s weird because I have done a lot of things in life and I am pretty capable but somehow the lack of schooling continues to convince my brain that I am not as good as everyone else.
And then there is the thing that I love talking to people and teaching but often I trip over my words or just forget the word I am looking for and then I instantly feel dumb and wonder why the hell I think I can ever do any public speaking. I am not eloquent with words. I do not have a large vocabulary. Oh, and I have a scratchy voice. At least I’ve grown up thinking this because of comments people would make about my voice so I’ve never really liked it. My partners totally disagree and they love my voice but I still struggle to like it.
Whenever I am around other business women I wonder “Why do I think I belong here? They are all smart and capable and you’re just a girl with a dream but no ability to pull off that dream.” But I don’t know… maybe the other business women are struggling with the same thing. I learned that it’s called “Impostor Syndrome”. It seems I am not the only one who has these voices telling me that I don’t belong.
But why wouldn’t I belong? I may not have extended schooling, eloquent speech or a smooth voice, but I have the desire; the desire to reach out and help others find the freedom that I have fought to build in my life. That passion belongs to me; because of my experiences. It is the fire in MY soul. It is what makes me feel alive. I fucking love watching people become free to explore their creativity, find value in themselves and start making choices to pursue their own happiness. THIS is what I want to do.
I am tired of fighting myself constantly. I am tired of waiting for some sort of validation outside of myself because I am realizing that nothing will ever be good enough. It must come from inside me. Honestly, I think that scared part of me is looking for ME to reassure it. It doesn’t care what others think or say. It needs to hear it from me. It needs to know that I believe in myself.
Dear Scared part of me,
It’s okay. It’s okay that you are scared. I understand we are stepping into an uncharted area so it feels safer to just do what we have always done. Honestly, if I hadn’t lost Princeton and Shiloh I would still be continuing in Therapeutic Riding. But life changes and with the changes I believe we have beautiful opportunities for growth and new dreams. Can you trust me? I too want the best for us. I know it’s risky. I know it’s gonna be challenging to find our way; but I think it will be worth it. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and wish that I had been brave enough to pursue the things that really mattered to me. I can feel you trembling. I got you. This is going to take a lot of guts and I really need your support. You are valuable to me. You have had some traumatic shit in life and people have spoken hurtful words that continue to haunt you. I am here to remind you that those people were wrong. You are precious and you belong. I will never leave you. I want to know what support looks like to you so that you can feel safe.
Love,
Gentle part of me
Dear Gentle part of me,
Thank you. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t want to keep us from reaching our dreams. I don’t know exactly where or why but somewhere along the line, I stopped believing in myself. If I look back, I think it began when I was taught that I was a selfish and unworthy sinner. The little girl that constantly climbed trees and day dreamed of being an astronaut quickly became the fearful little girl crying herself to sleep at night afraid of going to hell. Turns out I don’t want to be an astronaut anymore but I still want to reach for the stars. I want to be able to dream again. Thank you for seeing me. I want to trust you. It’s gonna take me time and practice. Please be patient with me. I have a lot of old shitty thinking to replace but I’m willing to do the work. I want to grow. I don’t want to stay stuck in fear. It’s a new season for us and I want to be fully on board. I choose to move past my fears and embrace our dream. Just please keep a hold of my hand.
Love,
The Scared part that is learning to trust you
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