Better? Broken? Think again.
Updated: Dec 10, 2022
This morning I sat down with my 10 year old daughter before I left on my bike ride. Something had been stewing in my mind and I wanted to address it before I forgot. As she looked up into my eyes and asked, “What did you want to talk to me about mommy?” my heart melted. “Honey, I have been thinking a lot about how you say sometimes that you feel like your older sister is the good one and you are the bad one and it’s really been bothering me,” I began. Ava moved closer to me and her face softened with compassion. “I want you to know that mommy loves you a whole lot, just because you are you. I don’t want you to be anyone else. I want you to be you. There is only one you in the world and you are unique and beautiful.” Ava smiled and wrapped her arms around me. “Tanaya isn’t better than you, she is just different,” I said. “She struggles too and sometimes she wishes she could be like you.” “What?!” Ava blurted out as she unwrapped her arms and sat up confused. “Yep,” I continued. “You see I heard something recently on an online self-acceptance summit. They said that the problem is that often we compare our insides to someone else’s outside and it doesn’t match up. It’s like comparing apples and oranges.” Ava wrinkled her nose. “But why would anyone want to be like my big, messy outside?” “Because honey some people have a difficult time feeling safe enough to show their emotions and you are very free in that way.” A curious new look of understanding crossed over her face which spread into a beautiful, self-accepting smile. “I love you Ava. Just the way you are. All of you. You have a very unique way of living life that no one else has because they cannot be you. I used to wish all the time that I could be like my older sisters because they always seemed better than me and I was always getting into trouble. I don’t want you to grow up feeling that way. I don’t want two Tanayas. I want one Tanaya and one Ava.” “Thank you mommy,” Ava whispered and she once again embraced me in a warm hug. We held each other; and in that brief moment a part inside me healed. The little girl that felt like she could never measure up, was finally enough. She was seen. She was home.
How many of us have lived our whole lives comparing our insides to someone’s outside? Well for me, I’ve spent 39 years doing it. Maybe it’s our second nature. I think we do it without even thinking most of the time. We see others who “look” like they have it all together and instantly we feel shame because we are deeply in tune with the struggle inside ourselves. The problem though, is that we have no fucking idea what is going on inside that person. To compare our insides to their outside, is actually quite silly of us.
That’s why I found that saying from the online summit to be VERY enlightening. I don’t want to waste anymore of my life comparing myself. We are all human and we all have insecurities about our humanness. But why? It’s the human experience. Seems like somewhere along the line we got the idea that to struggle or have uncomfortable feelings meant failure in some way. But it most definitely is not. In fact, not only is it normal to struggle, but it can be a really helpful tool that teaches us to dig deep and learn about ourselves. Of course we have to be willing to do the work, but it’s a beautiful opportunity. The human struggle offers us empathy for others, connects us to our fellow man, and reveals important information about our insides for us to learn from.
Another thing I have been pondering a lot is this saying that I hear often: “We are all broken.” I have decided that I reject that way of thinking. I do not believe that we are all broken. To be broken implies that we need to be fixed; that something is wrong with us. Now you can believe what you want, but I believe that that absolute bullshit. I’m not sure who made that up, but I can almost assure you it traces back to religion. You see, Christianity teaches us that we are born broken and in need of a savior. Wow. It’s weird to me that an almighty god would go through all the trouble of creating billions of humans but make sure that each of them were born broken. What kind of god would use power in that way? Sounds like a narcissistic one to me in need of constant praise, recognition and glory. He sounds a bit insecure. Anyways, I don’t buy it anymore. When I hear someone say that we are all broken, it makes me tense up inside. I feel instant shame. I have been noticing these things and realizing that this is my body telling me it’s not right. The things that are true bring me peace.
I no longer subscribe to this mindset. I am not broken. I am human. The human experience is suffering and hardship intertwined with beautiful moments and opportunities to embrace exquisite joy and deep love.
I am grateful for this difficult and gorgeous gift to be a human here on this planet and experience what it feels to be alive. I have absolutely no plans to go looking for a human mechanic to “fix me”. I’m not broken. I am perfect. Because I’m me. You can take that to the bank.
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