And so the search continues…
Sometimes I wonder why I go to the lengths that I do.
This weekend my family is hosting a fall festival at our farm. We will have games, activities, crafts for kids, face painting, hay rides, and hot cider - all for free. Yep. I’ve spent over $500 of my savings to put on this event. I want it to be amazing. I want it to be undeniably fun. I want everyone to have the time of their lives.
Today I am sitting in the coffee shop and asking myself why. Why is this so important to me? It started as an idea for my girls to invite new friends over and have a good time and now it’s turned into a little bit more. Go big or go home. I should know myself by now. I can’t do anything halfway.
Besides being an all-or-nothing person, I still can’t fully understand why I love putting on large events. When I lived in the village, I had worked my way up to being the Village Wedding Planner. It was something I was very good at and honestly, I truly enjoyed it. I was also constantly creating smaller, fun-filled events to host at my place. It wasn’t because I had to; I wanted to. It was one of the few things that brought me joy inside that toxic community. It helped me cope.
Play has always been a very helpful tool in my life. It has been there for me when no one else was there. Whenever I felt alone, abandoned, set aside, unwanted, or forgotten, I always had “play”. I played very well by myself as a child. I was my best friend. We had many adventures outside that would transport me to a different place for a little while. It was those times of imaginary play that gave me happiness during my tumultuous, painful childhood.
There is something about creating an inviting, engaging, peaceful, playful space for people to enjoy that gives me a deep sense of fulfillment.
Recently, I have felt restless. I haven’t had any outlet for my creativity. I tried to volunteer at my kid's schools but I guess parents can’t do that anymore. I looked into becoming a substitute teacher but in Missouri, you have to have a bachelor's degree. I hear about how burnt out and boring a lot of the teachers are, and my girls keep telling me that I would be so good if I were a substitute teacher. But alas, I am not qualified on paper. This frustrates me. I am excellent with kids and I have 200 tons of creativity in me at almost any given moment - unless it’s after my bedtime. 🙂 I understand schools have to be careful who they hire especially when it comes to children, but I won’t even get a shot at it unless I want to attend college first.
I’ve tried to keep my chin up and keep looking for the right door to open. I even got a wild idea and applied at Harley Davidson so I could learn some new things but I haven’t heard back. My resume’ is mostly filled with horsemanship experience so I don’t blame them. I keep telling myself that something will eventually work out but it’s hard to not get discouraged.
I have a lot of talent. It feels trapped inside me. I am hoping that this festival somehow opens a door for someone, anyone to see that I have valuable things to offer this world besides being a horsemanship instructor.
I don’t want to take any job available. I refuse to believe that we have to be miserable and spend our lives in a job that doesn’t unleash and fully use our potential. Sure, it’s tempting to buy the lie that I am not smart enough, valuable enough, or experienced enough to want a job that I love, but I keep returning to my gut. My gut says “Hey there. You have some damn amazing talent to offer this world. Don’t sell yourself short.” That’s the voice that I am choosing to listen to.
I don’t know what this weekend will bring. I am trying to not have expectations but the humanness in me can never fully rid myself of that. If my daughters have some friends to play with and they all have a blast together, well then I’m gonna call that success!
I have met so many people who say they don’t know what their talent is, and this makes me so sad. Everyone, and I mean, EVERYONE, has talent. Each person has something so wild and unique that only they bring to this planet. Sometimes people just haven’t had the opportunity to explore and find what makes them come alive. I hope someday I can help these beautiful humans discover their value and then empower them to create a life they love.
Until then, I will keep exploring, searching, and creating my path forward. If you feel stuck in a life that you really don’t want to be in anymore, please reach out to me. For real.
It’s NEVER too late to take your freedom.
I love you.
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